One of the hardest things about becoming an adult has been the persistent feeling of loneliness. When you are a child, teen, or young adult, making friends is easier throughout primary school and college. However, once you graduate college, it becomes more difficult to make friends in adulthood. People get married, begin careers and jobs and have families, so making time for friends takes more of an effort for sure. Here are some of the things that I have tried to help make and keep friends throughout my time in NYC.
Maintain Old Friendships
Keeping and maintaining friendships is the best place to start. Instead of trying to make a bunch of new friends, try maintaining and rekindling some old friendships. Think about all of the people who have come into your life and figure out who brought positivity into your life when you were in their presence. Ask yourself “Who brings joy?” “Who do I have or could have a frientimacy with?” According to Shasta Nelson, CEO of GirlFriendCircles.com, a frientimacy includes positivity, vulnerability, and consistency.
Write down everyone in your contact list and figure out whether you have these three elements with your current contacts. Consistency was lacking with most of the contacts in my phone, so, I began texting one person a day to check in or send a positive message. Writing “Text 1 person” in the planner has helped me remain consistent with this habit for over a year now. We all get busy, but making time for friends has to be intentional and it starts with you.
Shasta Nelson discusses “Frientimacy” in the video below. Enjoy! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hmJyWreER7A
Find a Community
Finding a community is more challenging now than it was back in the day for all of us. Social media has made us more disconnected than ever. Finding a community was always the most difficult for me, even in school. I never really had a group of friends until I went to college, and gained some friends as an adult through musical productions over the years.
Try to get involved in a church, or any organzation that interests you, or find co-workers or people who have things in common with you. There are communities out there, but you have to take the first step if you want to socialize more. People will not come visit you in your room at home, so push yourself out of your comfort zone.
Church has given me a community in Memphis and even in NYC. However, it takes time to build intimate connections, even at church, so be patient. Reach out to people and even though not everyone will take the bait, the people who are meant to be in your life will, so just give it time.
Work on Your Personal Growth
Examine yourself and always work toward self-improvement. Yes, accept yourself for who you are at the moment, but also challenge yourself to work on unhealthy coping mechanisms, and work toward healthy communication. This is not easy work, but it is worth it and it will be continuous.
Friendships gives you practice to work on improving your communication skills. Sometimes, you will have tough conversations with friends. In order to have intimacy in a friendship, there has to be transparency by both parties. Therapy is a great way to work on yourself as well as journaling. Therapy is not just for people with big problems, it is for people to become self-aware. You have to be a friend to keep a friend. So learn to be the best you that you can be.
https://www.bydominiqueduarte.com/best-books-to-begin-personal-development/
Conclusion
Maintaining old friendships, finding a community, and working on your personal growth can help increase friendship in your life if that is what you desire. Also, try to meet up with a friend once a week or once a month. Consistency does mean something different to everyone so figure out what consistency means to you.
Find out what consistency means to each of your friends as well. You can make friends and keep friends, just put in a little effort. Lastly, sometimes people will not reciprocate, but do not get discouraged. If you reach out to multiple people those you want to be your friend will reach out eventually, just be patient and give people grace.
Hope this helps,
Dominique Duarte