Author: dominiquelduarte

This past New Year’s Eve, I was not thrilled to ring in the new year. I silently said a prayer and actually teared up a bit during the countdown. Within the last 90 days, I have already had quite a turbulent year. This was similar to the first quarters in both 2023 and 2022. However, your first quarter does not have to define the rest of your year. In order to examine your first quarter, look at your goals, analyze the results of the quarter, and plan for your next quarter with deligence.

Look at Your Goals

If you do not have any goals, that is okay. Today, you can write some personal goals for 2024. You got this! If you have 2024 goals already, write small actions you will need to take to accomplish the goal. If you have done this already, then look at the goals and see how you are progressing on each goal. What things went well this quarter? What things need improvement for next quarter? Do not beat yourself up if things did not get accomplished. You have three more quarters to go this year, so give yourself some grace.

https://www.bydominiqueduarte.com/how-to-accomplish-your-goals/

Analyze the Results of the First Quarter

Next, you will go through each goal that you have for the new year. You will ask yourself: Did I actively work toward the goal? Did I accomplish the goal? What actions did I take to work toward this goal this quarter? What improvements do I need to make to complete this goal next quarter.

Example: My first goal this year was to cook meals at home and reach my goal weight. Yes, I did actively work toward the goal. I have not accomplished the goal completely yet. The actions that I took toward my goal: I began making my breakfast on Sunday nights and eating the breakfast throughout the week on my way to work. Also, I began going to Zumba classes and walked about 3 to 5 miles a day. However, I need to improve on cooking dinner at home and eliminating sugary foods.

Plan for the Next Quarter

For next quarter, continue doing the things that are going well toward your goals. Now, look at what needed improvement and create new actions in order to accomplish each goal. My example: I have now made a habit of cooking breakfast on Sunday nights and eating it on my way to work pretty consistently. I will keep doing this. Now, when I come home from work, I will make a smoothie as soon as I get home. I will prep my protein for dinner on Sunday nights as well. This will curb eating out for dinner.

Conclusion

Congrats you made it through the first quarter of 2024. Tomorrow is a new day, April 1st. Tomorrow, you get a clean slate if you have not accomplished any goals. April 1st can be your New Year’s Day if you want. If you have been working on your goals, you can continue working your on your new habit or habits. Furthermore, you can add some new habits slowly throughout this next quarter to accomplish the goal. Ready, set, GO! You are awesome!

Hope this helps,

Dominique Duarte

https://www.amazon.com/Renewing-Mind-Project-Habits-Emotions/dp/0980224357

Seeking validation from others has been a constant in my life. As a child, I felt unseen and unheard in my family. I learned to mute my voice, and physically shrink in social situations. Recently, I attended the Embrace and Transform Workshop hosted by Eric M. Hovis. One of my biggest takeaways from the workshop was that I need to take up more space. Using my voice has become easier, but taking up space, especially in unfamiliar settings is still challenging for me. In order to begin taking up more space, ask people how you are currently showing up in the world, know your self-worth, and socialize more frequently.

Ask People How You Are Currently Showing Up in the World

You can ask people how you are showing up in the world. Sometimes, we may be completely unaware of how we are showing up in a room. You may think that you are entering the room with a load of confidence, but others could read you completely differently. Ask people in your life who you know will give you honest feedback about how you show up in the world. Take the feedback and practice showing up with a bit more confidence in new situations.

Know Your Self-Worth

You are worthy no matter what you accomplish or what you look like. Self-worth is not the same as self-esteem. According to University of North Carolina Wilmington resource page, self-worth is “the internal sense of being good enough and worthy of love and belonging from others.” Self-esteem comes from achievements or success, but self- worth is knowing that you are of value just for being who you are. You are so amazing and valuable, tell yourself that everyday.

Socialize More Frequently

The more you socialize, the more comfortable you will become with taking up space. So, get out of your comfort zone regularly. This gives you a chance to practice taking up more space in a room. If you only stick inside the four walls your room all the time, then you will always feel strange in social situations. Find meet up groups, join a church, volunteer somewhere that you are passionate about to become more present around other people.

Conclusion

Taking up more space can seem like a daunting task for more reserved people or people who lack confidence. Your voice matters and people need to hear you. We all have something beautiful to add to this world. Show up, take up space, and share your amazing gifts with the world. This can encourage others to do the same and make the world an even brighter place for everyone.

Hope this helps,

Dominique Duarte

Book Suggestion: Roots of Self-Worth by Adam Sandberger: https://www.amazon.com/Roots-Self-Worth-Cultivating-Authentic-Self-Esteem-ebook/dp/B0CPZRXMPW

https://www.bydominiqueduarte.com/how-do-you-find-your-voice-in-the-world/

Life is full of ups and downs. Your plans may not have gone the way you thought. How do you find your passion for life after setbacks? Since 2013, I have created a poster with my goals for each year. Sometimes, I accomplish a few goals, but some goals turned upside down like a wilting flower.

Performing has always been my passion, but I always knew that I had to have another job to pay the bills. I have had some gains, but multiple setbacks as an adult. My passion for life has taken a dip down at times. Learning the power of the pivot, creating stability while pursing your passion part-time, and seeking therapy, a mentor or accountability partner will restore your passion for life in general.

Learn the Power of the Pivot

When I graduated college and moved back home to Memphis, my goal was to get a full-time in an office setting while doing theatre in the evenings. Hundreds of applications later, this did not happen. I had to get three jobs instead of one while doing theatre at night in Memphis for three years. In NYC, the first few years were the most stable, however, I have gone through several pivots within the last five years.

You can make plans, but sometimes things do not go according to the plan. You may need to change direction completely or you can make subtle changes to the plan. This has been a difficult lesson to learn. As a teen or young adult, you are told that if you work hard, you will have success and sometimes this is not always the case. Life just happens sometimes, but you just have to keep trying. Try to pivot with a purpose and new plan in place.

Creating Stability While Pursing Your Passion Part-time

Originally, I pursued teaching because I wanted stability for a bit and wanted to get out of debt. However, this did not go according to planned either. I went into significantly more debt due to graduate school. Pursuing singing and acting has been an emotional roller coaster for sure as well. I book performing work often, but it does not always pay very well. I get callbacks for major opportunities, but I don’t book the higher paying jobs.

In 2024, I decided to become a teaching assistant while pursing theatre projects in NYC in the evenings. This will give more stability and build my resume in acting. When I was a lead teacher, I had no time to pursue theater at all and was pretty miserable. As a teacher’s assistant, I can have more of a work life balance. Pursuing your passion is amazing, but stability is necessary after a certain point. Create a morning routine and evening routine to build some consistency for in your life. Your nervous system will thank you!

Seek Therapy, Mentor or Accountability Partner

If I had been in therapy while I was teaching full-time, things may have turned out differently with my teaching career. I have multiple mentors that have supported me for years now. If therapy or finding a mentor is not for you, then find a friend to be an accountability partner.

An accountability partner is someone that you can discuss what actions you plan to take toward goals. The partner can tell you their plans and actions as well. The two of you can encourage one another to accomplish your goals. No one is a one man island. Success comes when you have a small village in your life to encourage and support you.

Conclusion

Learning the power of the pivot will help you keep going when things do not turn out as planned. It is okay to feel disappointment and sadness when this happens. Mourn what you thought was going to be. We are humans and we do have setbacks. Feel your feelings, but get back up again and try something else. If your passion is challenging to pursue full-time, then, consider finding a day job that you like to do, and work on your passion part-time.

This balance will make such a difference for you. You will have financial stability, but you are still working toward things that you love too. Lastly seek therapy, a mentor or accountability partner so that you have a support system. When you have learn the power of the pivot, create stability and time for your passion, and gain a support system, you will truly begin to find your passion for life again.

Hope this helps,

Dominique Duarte

Have you ever had to pivot in your life? Comment below

Book Suggestion: Living a Life in Balance: https://www.amazon.com/Living-Life-Balance-Spiritual-Performance/dp/3907427009

https://www.bydominiqueduarte.com/how-to-manage-life-after-college/

As a child, teen, and young adult, I went to school in predominantly white environments. This never bothered me and I was accepted for the most part so much so that I felt more comfortable in the white community than in the black community in my youth. What I did not know was how challenging life would be as a black woman in America. Black women have limited voice in the workplace, lack of financial stability, and a limited support system.

Limited Voice in the Workplace

In the workplace, black women are still treated like our voice does not matter. It is not always necessarily racism at work, but probably implicit bias. Everyone has implicit bias. According to the American Psychological Association, implicit bias is defined as a subconscious negative attitude toward a specific group of people.

In most situations, black women are the minority in a room, usually full of white males and females. It can be challenging to say anything without being labeled as difficult. In order to not receive that label, I learned to mute my voice at school and at work. Repressing my thoughts and emotions would then lead to eruptions of anger later on. Finding the balance between being assertive and being accepted is a a fine line to walk for a black woman at work.

https://www.apa.org/topics/implicit-bias

Lack of Financial Stability

In 2022, the Journal of Blacks in Higher Education found that 48 percent of black women have never been married and 51.1 percent of black men have never been married. Only 27.5 of the white population have never been married. Marriage is not a requirement in life, however living expenses are more tolerable when you have a two income household.

Black women tend to be single longer than their peers of other races or single their entire lives. Marriage is not easy at all, but it does give you a bit more financial stability than being single your entire life. Furthermore, you can split life responsibilities between two people in marriage. Supporting yourself financially for a lifetime as a single person is a bit overwhelming, even with a relatively high salary.

https://www.amazon.com/Girl-Get-Your-Money-Straight/dp/0767904885

Limited Support System

We do not tend to have much support from other people because black women tend to be the support for other people. In real life as well as television and film, black women are depicted as being strong, the rock, helper, or the one to go to for wisdom and advice. However, who does the black woman go to for advice?

It is usually other black women. Black women are the only ones to understand what it is like to walk in America with our hue. Many black women have had absent fathers, failed relationships, were used and abused by men, or were just seen for what they could do for others. Black women continue to fill the cup of others, but it is rarely reciprocated in the same way as it is in society for women of other races.

Conclusion

Being black is beautiful, but it can also feel like a burden at times to be honest. When I was a little girl, I had no idea what I was signing up for when I grew up. In the workplace, I have felt unwelcomed multiple times. My support system has been limited, except for other black women. Financial security has been rocky for me at best.

I learned the hard lesson that my life will never look the same as the white peers that I went to school with years ago. We live in completely different worlds and it is a hard pill to swallow. However, you can persevere and be resilient black women. We are a people of strong faith in God. At the end of the day, all you have to depend on as a black woman is God. If we did not have faith, I think we would break into a million pieces. Hold your heads up high Black Queens! You Got This!

https://www.bydominiqueduarte.com/how-to-overcome-intergenerational-trauma/

Hope this helps,

Dominique Duarte

According to Verywellmind.com, Intergenerational Trauma is “trama that is passed down from a trauma survivor to his/her descendants.” Oprah and Dr. Perry’s book “What Happened to You?”, discusses the generational trauma in African American families due to slavery and Jim Crow. Jim Crow laws and slavery ended long ago, but the effect on black families in the U.S. is still apparent, even in 2024.

Since African Americans did not immigrate to America like other people, our sense of community was not established as thoroughly as immigrants. Furthermore, black people are still the least likely to go to therapy. In order to overcome intergenerational trauma, learn your family history, find a therapist or mentor, process your role in your family, and figure out your future with your family.

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-integenerational-trauma-5211898

Find a Mentor or Therapist

https://www.bydominiqueduarte.com/why-we-should-go-to-therapy/

Therapy gives you an analysis of your life’s history and why things are the way they are in your life. Therapy is not about blaming people for your life issues, but it gives you a bird’s eye view of what traumas you have experienced and how it has shaped you into who you are today. If you have tried therapy to no avail, then seek a mentor. This can be someone a bit older and more experienced with life to guide you. A therapist or mentor can help you process your intergenerational trauma.

Learn Your Family’s History

If you do not know your past, you will repeat it. Learn about your family’s strengths, weaknesses, the origin stories as far back as you can go, major events, and the causes and effects of those events. If you know your family’s history, it can give you more perspective and helps you remember that your family members are also flawed humans. Since we are so close to our families, we tend to forget this. Growing up, everyone in my family seemed larger than life to me, but the older I got the more I realized that they are just humans trying their best like me.

Process Your Role in Your Family

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/invisible-bruises/202303/8-common-dysfunctional-family-roles

Figure out what your role is in your family and possibly the why behind this position. Roles include: the scapegoat, the golden child, the hero, identified patient, the lost child, the caretaker, or the parentified child. In my immediate family, I was an only child and the center of attention, but my spiritual, mental, and emotional needs were not being met. In my extended family, I was the lost child. I was not accomplished enough for much familial praise. However, since I was not creating controversy in the family I was ignored. Your role in your family is often influenced by intergenerational trauma.

Figure Out Your Future with Your Family

There is no right or wrong answer to your future with your family. You can forgive them, but still not have them in your life. On the other hand, you can forgive and have family in your life with boundaries. Also, you can just ask yourself: Would I want this person in my life as a friend? Take it one day at a time, one family member at a time.

Figure out which bonds can be strengthened, which bonds could be limited temporarily or permanently. Society says family is supposed to be very close because you share blood. This can be alot of pressure when that has not been your reality in the past. It is easier to connect with people outside of my family and always has been. Sometimes, you have to create your own family so figure out what works best for you.

Conclusion

Until therapy, I did not have the words to describe how I felt about my family. There is no beef with anyone, but not much connection either and my family history influenced this dynamic for sure. My role as the lost child in my family was set before I was born. I moved to NYC and I thought that would solve the feelings, but it just put a temporary band aid on it. Processing intergenerational trauma is a challenging process that will take time. Be patient with yourself and your family members as you process intergenerational trauma.

Hope this helps,

Dominique Duarte

What role do you think you have in your family? Comment below!

Our life experiences are unique. Why do some people have so many people around them and others don’t? Some people seem to always have others around them all the time. Of course having several people around you does not gurantee a lack of loneliness in your life. It is not the quantity, but the quality of relationships. Everyone gets lonely sometimes, but loneliness is a constant companion for some people for years. Be fruitful with your time alone, put yourself out there, and develop your communication skills to manage loneliness in your life.

Book Suggestion: How to Win Friends & Influence People: https://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/0671027034

Be Fruitful With Your Time Alone

Spend time getting to know yourself. Try to take long walks, go to the movies, meditate, pray, read books, take yourself on dates, and become attuned to inner self. The more you know yourself, the more confident you will become to others. When you are comfortable with yourself, you will attract positive people in your life. Furthermore, when you know what you are interested in, you can eventually find your circle of friends.

Put Yourself Out There

Putting yourself out there is highly overused in society, but there is some truth to the statement. Friends are not going to just drop into your apartment or house randomly. You will have to put in some work to build relationships. Volunteer, join organizations that interest you, find people in your industry or career field. Use https://www.meetup.com/ to meet people with similar hobbies, careers, or interests. If going out all the time is overwhelming for you, try to challenge yourself to go out a couple of times a month. If money is an issue, find some free activities to meet people.

Develop Your Communication Skills

Most of us think that we are great communicators. However, when you develop relationships with people on a deeper level, your communications skills are going to be truly tested. Can you disagree with someone in a respectful way? When you are angry or upset, do you know how to self-regulate? What triggers you and why? Do you stand up for yourself effectively when challenged?

No one should put up with abusive behavior from people, but relationships will have conflict sometimes. We are human and conflict is inevitable. Conflict resolution is a necessary skill to have successful friendships and romantic relationships. If you continue to isolate yourself from people when conflict arises, then you will be lonely. Work to improve your conflict resolution skills in order to gain friends, you have to learn how to be a friend too.

Conclusion

NYC can be an extremely lonely place to live for me personally, but I realize that I could have pushed myself to socialize a bit more during the past 7 years. Dealing with people can be difficult, especially when you isolate regularly or struggled to fit in during your formative years. Developing your communication skills, being fruitful with your time alone, and putting yourself out there will strengthen your self-esteem. When your self-esteem increases, then you will find your circle or support system no matter where you live.

Hope this helps,

Dominique Duarte

https://www.bydominiqueduarte.com/how-to-make-friends-in-adulthood/

How do you make friends? Comment Below