Category: Self-Help on Life

As a child, teen, and young adult, I went to school in predominantly white environments. This never bothered me and I was accepted for the most part so much so that I felt more comfortable in the white community than in the black community in my youth. What I did not know was how challenging life would be as a black woman in America. Black women have limited voice in the workplace, lack of financial stability, and a limited support system.

Limited Voice in the Workplace

In the workplace, black women are still treated like our voice does not matter. It is not always necessarily racism at work, but probably implicit bias. Everyone has implicit bias. According to the American Psychological Association, implicit bias is defined as a subconscious negative attitude toward a specific group of people.

In most situations, black women are the minority in a room, usually full of white males and females. It can be challenging to say anything without being labeled as difficult. In order to not receive that label, I learned to mute my voice at school and at work. Repressing my thoughts and emotions would then lead to eruptions of anger later on. Finding the balance between being assertive and being accepted is a a fine line to walk for a black woman at work.

https://www.apa.org/topics/implicit-bias

Lack of Financial Stability

In 2022, the Journal of Blacks in Higher Education found that 48 percent of black women have never been married and 51.1 percent of black men have never been married. Only 27.5 of the white population have never been married. Marriage is not a requirement in life, however living expenses are more tolerable when you have a two income household.

Black women tend to be single longer than their peers of other races or single their entire lives. Marriage is not easy at all, but it does give you a bit more financial stability than being single your entire life. Furthermore, you can split life responsibilities between two people in marriage. Supporting yourself financially for a lifetime as a single person is a bit overwhelming, even with a relatively high salary.

https://www.amazon.com/Girl-Get-Your-Money-Straight/dp/0767904885

Limited Support System

We do not tend to have much support from other people because black women tend to be the support for other people. In real life as well as television and film, black women are depicted as being strong, the rock, helper, or the one to go to for wisdom and advice. However, who does the black woman go to for advice?

It is usually other black women. Black women are the only ones to understand what it is like to walk in America with our hue. Many black women have had absent fathers, failed relationships, were used and abused by men, or were just seen for what they could do for others. Black women continue to fill the cup of others, but it is rarely reciprocated in the same way as it is in society for women of other races.

Conclusion

Being black is beautiful, but it can also feel like a burden at times to be honest. When I was a little girl, I had no idea what I was signing up for when I grew up. In the workplace, I have felt unwelcomed multiple times. My support system has been limited, except for other black women. Financial security has been rocky for me at best.

I learned the hard lesson that my life will never look the same as the white peers that I went to school with years ago. We live in completely different worlds and it is a hard pill to swallow. However, you can persevere and be resilient black women. We are a people of strong faith in God. At the end of the day, all you have to depend on as a black woman is God. If we did not have faith, I think we would break into a million pieces. Hold your heads up high Black Queens! You Got This!

https://www.bydominiqueduarte.com/how-to-overcome-intergenerational-trauma/

Hope this helps,

Dominique Duarte

According to Verywellmind.com, Intergenerational Trauma is “trama that is passed down from a trauma survivor to his/her descendants.” Oprah and Dr. Perry’s book “What Happened to You?”, discusses the generational trauma in African American families due to slavery and Jim Crow. Jim Crow laws and slavery ended long ago, but the effect on black families in the U.S. is still apparent, even in 2024.

Since African Americans did not immigrate to America like other people, our sense of community was not established as thoroughly as immigrants. Furthermore, black people are still the least likely to go to therapy. In order to overcome intergenerational trauma, learn your family history, find a therapist or mentor, process your role in your family, and figure out your future with your family.

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-integenerational-trauma-5211898

Find a Mentor or Therapist

https://www.bydominiqueduarte.com/why-we-should-go-to-therapy/

Therapy gives you an analysis of your life’s history and why things are the way they are in your life. Therapy is not about blaming people for your life issues, but it gives you a bird’s eye view of what traumas you have experienced and how it has shaped you into who you are today. If you have tried therapy to no avail, then seek a mentor. This can be someone a bit older and more experienced with life to guide you. A therapist or mentor can help you process your intergenerational trauma.

Learn Your Family’s History

If you do not know your past, you will repeat it. Learn about your family’s strengths, weaknesses, the origin stories as far back as you can go, major events, and the causes and effects of those events. If you know your family’s history, it can give you more perspective and helps you remember that your family members are also flawed humans. Since we are so close to our families, we tend to forget this. Growing up, everyone in my family seemed larger than life to me, but the older I got the more I realized that they are just humans trying their best like me.

Process Your Role in Your Family

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/invisible-bruises/202303/8-common-dysfunctional-family-roles

Figure out what your role is in your family and possibly the why behind this position. Roles include: the scapegoat, the golden child, the hero, identified patient, the lost child, the caretaker, or the parentified child. In my immediate family, I was an only child and the center of attention, but my spiritual, mental, and emotional needs were not being met. In my extended family, I was the lost child. I was not accomplished enough for much familial praise. However, since I was not creating controversy in the family I was ignored. Your role in your family is often influenced by intergenerational trauma.

Figure Out Your Future with Your Family

There is no right or wrong answer to your future with your family. You can forgive them, but still not have them in your life. On the other hand, you can forgive and have family in your life with boundaries. Also, you can just ask yourself: Would I want this person in my life as a friend? Take it one day at a time, one family member at a time.

Figure out which bonds can be strengthened, which bonds could be limited temporarily or permanently. Society says family is supposed to be very close because you share blood. This can be alot of pressure when that has not been your reality in the past. It is easier to connect with people outside of my family and always has been. Sometimes, you have to create your own family so figure out what works best for you.

Conclusion

Until therapy, I did not have the words to describe how I felt about my family. There is no beef with anyone, but not much connection either and my family history influenced this dynamic for sure. My role as the lost child in my family was set before I was born. I moved to NYC and I thought that would solve the feelings, but it just put a temporary band aid on it. Processing intergenerational trauma is a challenging process that will take time. Be patient with yourself and your family members as you process intergenerational trauma.

Hope this helps,

Dominique Duarte

What role do you think you have in your family? Comment below!

Our life experiences are unique. Why do some people have so many people around them and others don’t? Some people seem to always have others around them all the time. Of course having several people around you does not gurantee a lack of loneliness in your life. It is not the quantity, but the quality of relationships. Everyone gets lonely sometimes, but loneliness is a constant companion for some people for years. Be fruitful with your time alone, put yourself out there, and develop your communication skills to manage loneliness in your life.

Book Suggestion: How to Win Friends & Influence People: https://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/0671027034

Be Fruitful With Your Time Alone

Spend time getting to know yourself. Try to take long walks, go to the movies, meditate, pray, read books, take yourself on dates, and become attuned to inner self. The more you know yourself, the more confident you will become to others. When you are comfortable with yourself, you will attract positive people in your life. Furthermore, when you know what you are interested in, you can eventually find your circle of friends.

Put Yourself Out There

Putting yourself out there is highly overused in society, but there is some truth to the statement. Friends are not going to just drop into your apartment or house randomly. You will have to put in some work to build relationships. Volunteer, join organizations that interest you, find people in your industry or career field. Use https://www.meetup.com/ to meet people with similar hobbies, careers, or interests. If going out all the time is overwhelming for you, try to challenge yourself to go out a couple of times a month. If money is an issue, find some free activities to meet people.

Develop Your Communication Skills

Most of us think that we are great communicators. However, when you develop relationships with people on a deeper level, your communications skills are going to be truly tested. Can you disagree with someone in a respectful way? When you are angry or upset, do you know how to self-regulate? What triggers you and why? Do you stand up for yourself effectively when challenged?

No one should put up with abusive behavior from people, but relationships will have conflict sometimes. We are human and conflict is inevitable. Conflict resolution is a necessary skill to have successful friendships and romantic relationships. If you continue to isolate yourself from people when conflict arises, then you will be lonely. Work to improve your conflict resolution skills in order to gain friends, you have to learn how to be a friend too.

Conclusion

NYC can be an extremely lonely place to live for me personally, but I realize that I could have pushed myself to socialize a bit more during the past 7 years. Dealing with people can be difficult, especially when you isolate regularly or struggled to fit in during your formative years. Developing your communication skills, being fruitful with your time alone, and putting yourself out there will strengthen your self-esteem. When your self-esteem increases, then you will find your circle or support system no matter where you live.

Hope this helps,

Dominique Duarte

https://www.bydominiqueduarte.com/how-to-make-friends-in-adulthood/

How do you make friends? Comment Below

“Life was like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re going to get.” -Forest Gump. Who knows how to manage life after college? I learned that the quote above it so true to life. the Forrest Gump is a classic film that I have watched growing up. The quote above was just a funny saying to me at the time. But I had no idea how accurate this quote would be in my life. I graduated college 11 years ago in December and it has been quite a wild ride. Managing life after high school and college is not for the faint of heart.

2013-2016- NYC & Back Home Again

On January 2nd, 2013, I moved to NYC. I decided to move back home to Memphis three weeks later at the end of January. I stayed in Memphis for three years, but those three years were necessary for me to grow as a performer and a person. I performed more in those three years in Memphis than I have in the last seven years since living in NYC. Leaving NYC in 2013 was a setback at the time, but moving back home taught me to make the most of the setback.

2016-2017- NYC & AMDA

In 2016, I decided to move back to NYC after getting accepted into AMDA. On August 6, 2016, I moved back to NYC. I got a job at the Disney Store in Times Square, and took classes at AMDA, full-time conservatory from October 2016 until June 2017. I received a signficant scholarship to go to AMDA. I took a small personal loan the first year to cover the left over cost and was approved without a co-signer. However, I could not get approved for another small loan for the second year.

https://www.bydominiqueduarte.com/how-to-wait-patiently/

2017-2018- AUDITIONS

I left AMDA after two semesters and began to audition in NYC. I got callbacks on my first two live auditions, which was amazing. I got an agent and manager in February 2018 and booked a musical in Colorado from March until May 2018. I came back to NYC and auditioned regularly while I worked full-time at Trader Joe’s. Due to burnout from performing, I decided to take a break from acting at the end of 2018.

2019-2020-Teaching & Church, Pre-Pandemic

In 2019, I began working for the Coalition for Hispanic Family Services as a teaching artist for the Arts & Literacy Program. In February of 2020, I applied and was hired as a full-time teacher at Achievment First Crown Heights Elementary for the 2020-2021 school year. During this time, I finally found a church home in NYC at Bethany United Methodist in Brooklyn. I joined the church about a week before the shutdown for COVID.

2020-2022- Teaching, Return to Acting

In order to teach at Achievement First, I had to enroll at Relay Graduate School of Education to study Elementary Education. I completed my first year of teaching and graduate school. However, my second year was not as successful for teaching or finishing my degree. I worked at two other schools my second year of teaching, but quit both schools before the end of the 2021-2022 school year.

Then, I took a leave of absence from grad school and began acting again after a 3-year hiatus. Surprisingly, I booked quite a bit of acting work in 2022 in television, film, as well as a play and a new musical reading. During this time, I worked at Jazz at Lincoln Center, returned to the Coalition for Hispanic Family Services, and began working in catering for Amerivents as well as Cipriani.

2023- A Year of Several Changes

2023 was a roller coaster of changes. In January, my catering jobs slowed down to nothing. In late 2022, I quit my jobs at Jazz at Lincoln Center and the Coalition because I thought I would make more money I worked more hours at the catering jobs. Once the catering jobs came to a halt in January, I enrolled in classes to get a security guard license and work as a flex security guard. At the same time, I applied for teaching jobs again. I got a position as a 6th grade math teacher at a school in the Bronx and reenrolled at Relay for my final semester.

2023- Brief Return to Teaching & Setback

When I re-enrolled in graduate school, I was hopeful that I would finish out the school year with a master’s degree in Elementary Education. However, I was asked to be dishonest by my leadership team at the school. I thought about being dishonest because at this point I felt desperate to keep this job to finish the degree.

But once my professor informed me that what I was being asked to do was against state regulations, I decided to resign. No one tells you that there are consequences for honesty. It was already April by this time so I did not finish my master’s degree again for the second time.

I resigned from teaching and went back to catering just in time for the busy season. I continued auditioning again and booked a staged reading for a new musical in NYC, a staged musical presentation in Pennsylvania, and a national choral tour that I loved. What started out as a really rough year turned out to be one of the most memorable years by early November.

End of 2023

November and December took me on another wild ride. I finished my tour on November 5th and returned home to a bit of a cultural shock. I went back to catering, but I knew that catering was going to slow down in January so I tried to find other jobs. I accepted three jobs within a few weeks.

Conclusion

2024 is a brand new year and I am thankful for it. I have learned quite a bit in just the last few weeks. I am learning to stand up for myself more and do things that are more aligned with my values. Yes, I want to act and perform, but I have always wanted to be an entrepreneur as well. My focus this year is to make that a reality. I started my own business in Tennessee and I can do that again in NYC. Working for myself is my ultimate goal and I pray that it comes to fruition. Life will throw things at you, but you have to just pivot and keep going. Be persistent and consistent!

Book Suggestion: The Power of Persistence: How to Stop Quitting on Yourself and Achieve Your Goals: https://www.amazon.com/Power-Persistence-Quitting-Confidence-Willpower/dp/1640954694

Hope this helps,

Dominique Duarte

Welcome to the year 2024! 2023 was the first year that I began using my voice in my daily life. It has taken years to find my voice. Now, I am working on using my voice consistently and effectively during conflicts. Finding your voice is a process so please give yourself grace. Sitting in silence, setting boundaries, and exposing yourself to diversity can help you find your voice in the world.

Sitting in Silence

Our phones, ipads, and social media have become constant distractions in our lives. We are always influenced by everything around us. Sitting in silence can give you a chance to check in with your inner thoughts and feelings. So, try yoga, meditation, journaling, or taking a long walk outside to rest your brain. Start with just 5 minutes of silence a day. You can add on more time each week or each month if possible.

Set Boundaries

Setting boundaries is the only thing you can control when dealing with other people. Remember that you cannot control anyone or their behavior. However, you can set expectations about how you would like to be treated in a firm, and calm manner. This is a way to use your voice and take your power back in a sticky situation. If people continue to break your boundaries, then perhaps it is time to move on without that relationship, whether it be work, family, or friendships.

Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab https://www.nedratawwab.com/set-boundaries-find-peace

Expose Yourself to Diversity

Furthermore, try to expose yourself to a variety of viewpoints on a multitude of subjects. You can try to surround yourself with people of different races, ethnicities, interests, and socioeconomic statuses. If you only hang around people that look and think like you, then your ideas and beliefs will rarely be challenged. This will give you a limited view of the world as a whole. Diversity is essential to finding your voice within the world.

Conclusion

In conclusion, finding your voice and using it consistently will be a life long process for you. Siting in silence gives you a chance to discover your voice. Setting boundaries with people gives you a chance to use your voice with others. Lastly, exposing yourself to diversity can give you a wider perspective about the world as a whole.

Hope this helps,

https://www.bydominiqueduarte.com/the-best-ways-to-process-your-negative-feelings/

Dominique Duarte

Do you think you have found your voice in the world?

Why or why not? Comment Below

My parents divorced not long after I was born. When I was 21 years old, my father and I met for the first time that I can remember. I had a few calls with him, but broke off contact not long after this meeting. I had no idea that I had any negative feelings about my father’s absence since I had a stepfather. After years of therapy and personal development, I now know that my father’s absence had affected me in a myraid of ways. If your father was not present, try processing all of your feelings, mourn the family that you did not have, and seek validation from within.

Process Your Feelings

I did not discover that I had issues with my absent father until very recently. You may be completely unaware that you have any feelings at all towards your father. However, acknowledging how you feel about your absent father is necessary to find peace in the future. Process all of your feelings whether it be anger, frustration, or resentment, feel it and process it through journaling or therapy. Once you process those feelings, then you can move toward healing. https://www.bydominiqueduarte.com/the-best-ways-to-process-your-negative-feelings/

Mourn the Family that You Did Not Have

Most people have warm and fuzzy feelings when discussing family and past memories. You may feel sad that you missed out on memories and milestones throughout your life with your father. Furthermore, connecting with other family members can be difficult too, especially when everyone in your family had a present father in their lives. Processing the family that you did not have may be a lifelong journey.

Seek Validation from Within

When a parent abandons you, it can affect your self worth. You feel like if you were more valuable, then maybe the parent would have been more present. But a parent leaving has nothing to do with you at all and that can be challenging to believe. You make a habit of constantly seeking validation from other people to fulfill you to overcome low self-esteem. You are worthy! Your existence and presence are precious in this world. Try reading Honoring the Self by Nathaniel Branden:https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/646185.Honoring_the_Self

Conclusion

Recently, I spoke to my father for the first time since I was about 21 years old. Honestly, I still have mixed feelings about having a relationship, but I plan to keep in contact with him since life is short and he is getting older. This may not be the solution for everyone who has an absent father. Processing your feelings, mourning the family that you did not have, and seeking validation within yourself will begin your healing and possible forgiveness toward someone who hurt you deeply.

Hope this helps

Dominique Duarte

Do you have Daddy Issues? How have you processed your feelings? Comment below!

Leaving home is a huge decision for most people. Your family, friends, and memories are in your hometown. Leaving home does not have to be a permanent decision. You can leave for college, or accept a job in another city. You could try to vist different cities or countries for your vacations. Leaving your hometown gives you more perspective about the world, gets you out of your comfort zone, and teaches you more about yourself.

Perspective about the World

Refusing to venture out of your hometown can give you a narrow view of the world. The world is so vast and there is so much to see and do. People have completely different ways of living and when you leave home, you can see those differences up close instead of just watching it on television every once in awhile. It gives your more perspective on what is happening in other parts of our country as well as what is going on in the world.

Gets You Out of Your Comfort Zone

Going to a new place can give you a chance to get out of your daily routine. You can meet new people, learn new customs, and try new foods. These new experiences will give you a sense of confidence in yourself. You tried something that you have never done before and met some new friends who are different from you, congrats! Be proud of yourself for opening yourself up to new horizons. Try Reading The Big Leap: https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/6391876

Teaches You More About Yourself

When you go somewhere new, you can learn what you like, and what you do not like. People may think it is selfish to travel alone or move to a new city by yourself, but it can make you become more aware of your own interests. When we stay home all the time, we already know most of the venues and things to do in our area. Traveling or exploring other U.S. states and countries, you can learn how you operate in a new environment.

Conclusion

For the last seven years, I have lived in NYC on my own. There have been challenges, but I have learned about how people communicate differently, tried foods from many different countries, and developed a level of independence that I never thought was possible. You do not have to leave your hometown permanently if it is not for you, but at least try visiting other states or regions to expose yourself to more diversity and culture.

Hope this helps,

Dominique Duarte

Wanna Save Money to Move? Refer to How to Save Money On A Low Budget: https://bydominiqueduarte.com/how-to-save-money-on-a-low-budget/

Where have you lived and what did you learn about yourself? Comment below!

We live in a microwave society, where everything is quick and instant. We used to get the news once a day and now we receive it every minute. In the past, we would drive to get food and now it can be delivered to our door within minutes. This can lead to frustration when things actually take time. The truth is that anything worth having will take time. So how do you wait patiently? You can live in the moment, enjoy the process, and have a flexible timeline.

Live in the Moment

When we become impatient, we are usually thinking ahead about the next thing that we need to do. When you are constantly thinking about what is next all the time, it can create anxiety. For some this can cause you to take no action at all. For others, this obsession can lead to workaholism.

Be present in the moment. Stay focused on the current task. You might begin to enjoy even the most mundane tasks when you are fully present in the moment. Also, give yourself more time in between tasks or places so you do not have to rush all the time.

Book Suggestion: The Power of Now: https://www.amazon.com/Power-Now-Guide-Spiritual-Enlightenment/dp/1577311523

Enjoy the Process

Time passes very quickly and before you know it the day, the year, or a decade is over. We all have goals and can feel like failures if we have not reached the goal by a certain time period. We become so hyperfocused on the future that we forget to smell the flowers in the moment. The more you enjoy the process of getting to your goal, the less pressure and anxiety you will feel.

Have a Flexible Timeline

When planning your life, using a timeline can be helpful to create smaller tasks to reach your short and long term goals. A timeline should be a guide for you to accomplish things, but it should also be flexible. The more rigid you are with your timeline, the more stressed and defeated you can become.

A timeline can be a tool, but should not discourage you to the point where you completely give up on a goal. If you do not complete things on your personal timeline, give yourself some grace. The most important thing is to keep taking consistent action toward your goals. When you stop stressing about reaching rigid timelines for your goals, it is amazing how doors will begin to open for you.

Conclusion

Waiting patiently is more difficult now than ever, but when you live in the moment, even the most mundane aspects of life can become joyful. Using your personal timeline as a guide helps you take action on your goals. Lastly, enjoying the process: the good, the challenging, and the in-between, is truly living life. When you wait patiently, all parts of the process will teach you something if you are present enough in the moment to learn it.

Blog Reference: https://www.bydominiqueduarte.com/in-your-thirties-now-what/

Hope this helps,

Dominique Duarte

How do you wait patiently? Comment Below!

Millenials and Gen Z’s have differed greatly from previous generations when it comes to abiding by social norms. These generations are getting homes later, getting married later, and having children later or not at all.

When you color outside the lines of normalcy, it can still be difficult, even in 2023 . Most people are still resistant to anything outside of the norm when it comes to family or career. So why do you compromise? You compromise to please relatives and friends, to fit in with societal norms, and to feel accepted by everyone.

Please Relatives & Friends

People who care the most about you may never fully understand you and this can be hurtful at times. When you have a new idea or goal, you want to share it with those closest to you. But this can often be your first mistake. You share the new idea or goal, and your family and friends cast their doubts and fears onto you.

Now, you will begin to stifle your ideas and goals to please your family and friends over time. I have met people over the years who chose their job or career based on what would please their parents view of success. Some people do eventually change careers when they discovered their true callings. But this process took time and of course their family and friends were the most resistant to their life change.

Fit in With Societal Norms

You learn early that the expectation in society is to pick a sensible job or career, go to trade school or university, get married, have 2.5 children, buy a home, and live happily ever after. We learn this at a young age and we even play house as children with this concept in mind. This is a great dream to have and can be a beautiful blessing, however, it is not everyone’s trajectory in life.

You can feel a bit like an outcast in society if you do not follow this conventional path, especially if you are a woman. There are women and men who want nothing more than to be parents, but there are also people who have children out of societal pressure too. Children and marriage are such a gift, but only if both parties truly want children.

Feel Accepted by Everyone

We feel unaccepted when we encounter people who have conventional careers and jobs. We feel it when people are married and have kids and we do not. It is hard because you feel like people are judging you and labeling you as a failure. You want nothing more than for people to just accept your career and life choices for what they are at the moment.

However, one mistake that we continue to make is informing people about our career and life choices. The best practice is to just take action on your goals, and share the results when you feel comfortable to share. The truth is that people will never understand all of your life choices. You have to accept yourself, and all of your choices for what they are at the moment.

Conclusion

I chose a performance career, which comes with constant unsolicited advice from people who have never set foot on a set or stage, which can get annoying. Honestly, if one more person asks me about my retirement plans, I think I am going to scream bloody murder. Yes, retirement is in the back of my mind, but I chose an unconventional career, so it is a bit complicated.

I chose this life and I do not regret it. People will always have something to say no matter what you do, so just do what you are called to do. Your body, mind, and soul will thank you for it! When you accept yourself for who you are, and where you are in life, you will no longer feel the need compromise to the standards of others.

Hope this helps,

Dominique Duarte

https://www.bydominiqueduarte.com/how-do-you-find-your-voice-in-the-world/

https://www.amazon.com/Big-Leap-Conquer-Hidden-Level/dp/0061735361

Are you compromising in your life? Why or why not? Comment below