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Dating in my adult life has been minimal. At 35 years old, I am a late bloomer in the dating world. Within the last few months, I have learned that dating takes work. I have been a bit lazy about dating in general. If you want to date, you have to invest significant TIME to date. Who knew, this was news to me, lol!

Since I have been at the bottom of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs my entire adulthood, I have not had the capacity to give much energy to dating. Also, I want to connect with someone emotionally and spiritually first and foremost before physical attraction and have not found this person yet. So, if you are a late bloomer in the current dating world, seek out fellow late bloomers, make time for dating, and give yourself grace.

Seek Out Fellow “Late Bloomers”

Being a late bloomer is more common than people think. It is just not advertised as much. Fellow late bloomers will understand what you are going through. Dating is like driving a car. The older you are when you learn to drive, the more anxiety you will have about driving. The same is true for dating.

What seems so fun and simple to everyone around you in your age group, is not that simple for you. Married people and experienced daters may not remember how difficult dating was for them at one time. They may not understand the intense anxiety you are feeling. Fellow late bloomers will empathize and understand your apprehension and can give you advice that is more helpful.

Make Time For Dating

Making time for dating was a blind spot for me personally. I had no idea how much time you needed to invest in dating. No wonder I have never had a relationship or gone on many dates because I have been at the bottom of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Safety needs have been my primary concern during my adult life.

Furthermore, late bloomers have a tendency to run from anything out of your comfort zone. You have little to no dating experience so you are scared to date. People do not approach you often in public to ask you out so the opportunity to date has been limited for you. So, begin using a dating app consistently for 10-15 minutes a day. The key word is consistency!

In the past, I would download an app and delete it within a few days or weeks. But, if you use an app, you need to be consistent about using it. Realize that it takes a long time to find someone on an app. It could take a year or longer to find a long-term partner on an app, even with consistency. Lastly, challenge yourself to get out of your comfort zone by having fun on your dates.

Give Yourself Grace

If dating is new, you may be striving for perfection. Be patient with yourself. Realize that anxiety while dating is normal. You will mess up and that is okay. Dating can be challenging, but it can also be rewarding. Find yourself, heal yourself, and begin showing the best of yourself within a new relationship or friendship.

Healing takes time so please be patient with yourself. If you think you need more time to heal, just date to meet new people. See what happens before getting into a serious relationship. Remember there is nothing wrong with being a late bloomer. Certain life circumstances and situations create late bloomers. This does not mean there is anything wrong with you. You are amazing, please remember that!

Hope this helps,

Dominique Duarte

https://www.bydominiqueduarte.com/

https://www.amazon.com/5-Love-Languages-Singles/dp/0802411401

Are you a late bloomer? If not, do you have advice for late bloomers? Comment below!

If you can make it in New York City, you really can make it anywhere. NYC is not for the faint of heart and tests even the strongest people. Living here is a grind, but it teaches you so much and gives you resilience. So, if you want to make NYC your new home, make a plan, consider your job options, and learn to live a minimalist lifestyle to succeed in the Big Apple.

Make a Plan

If you want to move to NYC, begin planning for the move at least one year in advance. Save between $3000 to $5000 so that you can put down a deposit for an apartment and have money leftover until you find a job. So, $3,000 is the minimum amount you would need to bring here. Yes, rent is high! But you have to put down about $2,000 or more just to move in to an apartment, even with roommates.

Do you want to live in Manhattan, Queens, the Bronx, or Brooklyn? Research the neigbhorhoods in those boroughs. In NYC, people dicuss neighborhoods instead of street names, so you want to famaliarize yourself with the different neighborhoods. Also, brainstorm the types of jobs that you want to apply for once you move here. If you want to work at a restaurant here, YOU MUST HAVE PRIOR EXPERIENCE.

Best Neigborhoods in Brooklyn: https://www.prevu.com/blog/best-neighborhoods-in-brooklyn

Consider Your Job Options

NYC employers are not going to hire people living in another state unless it is a work transfer. When you move here, use your handy dandy new NYC address to book interviews quickly. NYC may have high rent, but people are always hiring and you can find a job.

If you discover that your job isn’t paying enough, get another job that works with your current work schedule. The are so many high profile jobs in NYC. You could work in customer service for the Metropolitan Opera, Jazz at Lincoln Center, Lincoln Center, Broadway Theaters, and the Apollo Theatre to name a few.

Live A Minimalist Lifestyle

Are you used to doing laundry at home? Say goodbye. Used to having central heating and air? Adios amigos. Dishwasher? lol, you are now the dishwasher. Big closets? no no, you will be lucky to get a closet at all. The more luxuries you want in your apartment the higher your rent will be. My most expensive rent was $910 a month. This apartment had laundry in the unit, a virtual doorman, and a dishwasher.

If you want affordable rent, you will probably have to live with roommates. If you live alone, your rent will run you about $1500 to $2500 or more a month in Brooklyn. Manhattan apartments are twice this price and have significantly less space than the Brooklyn, Queens, and Bronx apartments. With roommates your rent would be about $800 to $1,200 in Brooklyn. You will rarely ever see your roommates more than likely so it is really not a bad deal.

Best place to find apartments in NYC: Facebook marketplace: https://www.facebook.com/marketplace/

Hope this helps.

Dominique Duarte

https://www.bydominiqueduarte.com/

Would you ever move to NYC? Why or why not?

Comment below!

Emotional abuse causes a gradual erosion of a person’s self esteem, confidence, and self-worth. Low self-esteem and low self-worth create issues at school, work, and personal relationships well into adulthood. In order to begin overcoming emotional abuse, begin therapy, read self-help books, journal, acknowledge the abuse, and self-reflect regularly.

Begin Therapy

Therapy is beneficial for everyone and can be a great tool for personal growth in all areas of your life. Since growth takes time, you should attend therapy for an extended period of time. Furthermore, you may not click with every therapist so shop around. If someone is not a good fit for you, do not give up on therapy, just find a therapist that works for you.

Read Self-Help Books

Since 2013, I have read self-help books or personal development books. I read several books a year. Reading self-help books, along with therapy has aided in my healing from emotional abuse. Consider reading the following: Complex PTSD From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker; Can’t Hurt Me by David Goggins; How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie; The Art of Letting Go by Nick Trenton, What Happened to You by Oprah Winfrey and Dr. Bruce D. Perry.

Journal

Journaling is cathartic and a way to release all of your thoughts and feelings on paper. If you would like to journal daily that would be wonderful, but you do not have to journal daily. I journal whenever, but I can still refer back to old journal entries from years ago and reflect. Go back and read your past journal entries to see how much you have grown overtime during difficult times. As long as you are better than the person you were yesterday, you are doing well my friend.

Acknowledge the Abuse

When I think of my childhood, there are mixed feelings for sure. My mother and stepfather provided a great life for me with a nice home, clothes, and plenty of food to eat. However, it has taken years to acknowledge that I lived in a verbally and emotionally abusive household from childhood until I moved to NYC in 2016.

Acknowledging the abuse does not mean that you cannot forgive your parents. It does not mean that your parents were not good people. I have forgiven my parents and I know that they tried the best that they could. However, the effects of living in that environment for 26 years has left it’s mark in signficant ways that are hard to ignore. The body really does keep the score and self-regulating is still a daily struggle.

The Body Keeps the Score by Dr. Bessel von der Kolk: https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma/dp/0143127748

Self-Reflect Regularly

My dear barbie, you have come along way. Consistently self-reflect when things are going well and when things are crashing down. If you compare yourself to the person that you used to be, you will be able to measure your personal growth overall. Therapy, reading self-help books and journaling have given me the gift of self-awareness. Self-awareness is a powerful tool to aid yourself, become fully present, and empathetic to those around you.

Conclusion

Adulthood is no joke and no one is fully equipped to take on this thing called life. But, if you endured verbal, emotional, physical, or sexual abuse, you will be disregulated as an adult. Until you work on healing, you will consistently self-sabotage in big ways or more subtle ways. A traumatized adult raises traumatized children unless they begin to heal. Lastly, therapy is not a judgment on your sanity, it is a tool that creates a better you so that you can show up in the world as a fully functioning adult.

https://www.newharbinger.com/9781626251700/adult-children-of-emotionally-immature-parents/

https://www.bydominiqueduarte.com/