By Dominique Duarte

Life is full of ups and downs. Your plans may not have gone the way you thought. How do you find your passion for life after setbacks? Since 2013, I have created a poster with my goals for each year. Sometimes, I accomplish a few goals, but some goals turned upside down like a wilting flower.

Performing has always been my passion, but I always knew that I had to have another job to pay the bills. I have had some gains, but multiple setbacks as an adult. My passion for life has taken a dip down at times. Learning the power of the pivot, creating stability while pursing your passion part-time, and seeking therapy, a mentor or accountability partner will restore your passion for life in general.

Learn the Power of the Pivot

When I graduated college and moved back home to Memphis, my goal was to get a full-time in an office setting while doing theatre in the evenings. Hundreds of applications later, this did not happen. I had to get three jobs instead of one while doing theatre at night in Memphis for three years. In NYC, the first few years were the most stable, however, I have gone through several pivots within the last five years.

You can make plans, but sometimes things do not go according to the plan. You may need to change direction completely or you can make subtle changes to the plan. This has been a difficult lesson to learn. As a teen or young adult, you are told that if you work hard, you will have success and sometimes this is not always the case. Life just happens sometimes, but you just have to keep trying. Try to pivot with a purpose and new plan in place.

Creating Stability While Pursing Your Passion Part-time

Originally, I pursued teaching because I wanted stability for a bit and wanted to get out of debt. However, this did not go according to planned either. I went into significantly more debt due to graduate school. Pursuing singing and acting has been an emotional roller coaster for sure as well. I book performing work often, but it does not always pay very well. I get callbacks for major opportunities, but I don’t book the higher paying jobs.

In 2024, I decided to become a teaching assistant while pursing theatre projects in NYC in the evenings. This will give more stability and build my resume in acting. When I was a lead teacher, I had no time to pursue theater at all and was pretty miserable. As a teacher’s assistant, I can have more of a work life balance. Pursuing your passion is amazing, but stability is necessary after a certain point. Create a morning routine and evening routine to build some consistency for in your life. Your nervous system will thank you!

Seek Therapy, Mentor or Accountability Partner

If I had been in therapy while I was teaching full-time, things may have turned out differently with my teaching career. I have multiple mentors that have supported me for years now. If therapy or finding a mentor is not for you, then find a friend to be an accountability partner.

An accountability partner is someone that you can discuss what actions you plan to take toward goals. The partner can tell you their plans and actions as well. The two of you can encourage one another to accomplish your goals. No one is a one man island. Success comes when you have a small village in your life to encourage and support you.

Conclusion

Learning the power of the pivot will help you keep going when things do not turn out as planned. It is okay to feel disappointment and sadness when this happens. Mourn what you thought was going to be. We are humans and we do have setbacks. Feel your feelings, but get back up again and try something else. If your passion is challenging to pursue full-time, then, consider finding a day job that you like to do, and work on your passion part-time.

This balance will make such a difference for you. You will have financial stability, but you are still working toward things that you love too. Lastly seek therapy, a mentor or accountability partner so that you have a support system. When you have learn the power of the pivot, create stability and time for your passion, and gain a support system, you will truly begin to find your passion for life again.

Hope this helps,

Dominique Duarte

Have you ever had to pivot in your life? Comment below

Book Suggestion: Living a Life in Balance: https://www.amazon.com/Living-Life-Balance-Spiritual-Performance/dp/3907427009

https://www.bydominiqueduarte.com/how-to-manage-life-after-college/

As a child, teen, and young adult, I went to school in predominantly white environments. This never bothered me and I was accepted for the most part so much so that I felt more comfortable in the white community than in the black community in my youth. What I did not know was how challenging life would be as a black woman in America. Black women have limited voice in the workplace, lack of financial stability, and a limited support system.

Limited Voice in the Workplace

In the workplace, black women are still treated like our voice does not matter. It is not always necessarily racism at work, but probably implicit bias. Everyone has implicit bias. According to the American Psychological Association, implicit bias is defined as a subconscious negative attitude toward a specific group of people.

In most situations, black women are the minority in a room, usually full of white males and females. It can be challenging to say anything without being labeled as difficult. In order to not receive that label, I learned to mute my voice at school and at work. Repressing my thoughts and emotions would then lead to eruptions of anger later on. Finding the balance between being assertive and being accepted is a a fine line to walk for a black woman at work.

https://www.apa.org/topics/implicit-bias

Lack of Financial Stability

In 2022, the Journal of Blacks in Higher Education found that 48 percent of black women have never been married and 51.1 percent of black men have never been married. Only 27.5 of the white population have never been married. Marriage is not a requirement in life, however living expenses are more tolerable when you have a two income household.

Black women tend to be single longer than their peers of other races or single their entire lives. Marriage is not easy at all, but it does give you a bit more financial stability than being single your entire life. Furthermore, you can split life responsibilities between two people in marriage. Supporting yourself financially for a lifetime as a single person is a bit overwhelming, even with a relatively high salary.

https://www.amazon.com/Girl-Get-Your-Money-Straight/dp/0767904885

Limited Support System

We do not tend to have much support from other people because black women tend to be the support for other people. In real life as well as television and film, black women are depicted as being strong, the rock, helper, or the one to go to for wisdom and advice. However, who does the black woman go to for advice?

It is usually other black women. Black women are the only ones to understand what it is like to walk in America with our hue. Many black women have had absent fathers, failed relationships, were used and abused by men, or were just seen for what they could do for others. Black women continue to fill the cup of others, but it is rarely reciprocated in the same way as it is in society for women of other races.

Conclusion

Being black is beautiful, but it can also feel like a burden at times to be honest. When I was a little girl, I had no idea what I was signing up for when I grew up. In the workplace, I have felt unwelcomed multiple times. My support system has been limited, except for other black women. Financial security has been rocky for me at best.

I learned the hard lesson that my life will never look the same as the white peers that I went to school with years ago. We live in completely different worlds and it is a hard pill to swallow. However, you can persevere and be resilient black women. We are a people of strong faith in God. At the end of the day, all you have to depend on as a black woman is God. If we did not have faith, I think we would break into a million pieces. Hold your heads up high Black Queens! You Got This!

https://www.bydominiqueduarte.com/how-to-overcome-intergenerational-trauma/

Hope this helps,

Dominique Duarte

According to Verywellmind.com, Intergenerational Trauma is “trama that is passed down from a trauma survivor to his/her descendants.” Oprah and Dr. Perry’s book “What Happened to You?”, discusses the generational trauma in African American families due to slavery and Jim Crow. Jim Crow laws and slavery ended long ago, but the effect on black families in the U.S. is still apparent, even in 2024.

Since African Americans did not immigrate to America like other people, our sense of community was not established as thoroughly as immigrants. Furthermore, black people are still the least likely to go to therapy. In order to overcome intergenerational trauma, learn your family history, find a therapist or mentor, process your role in your family, and figure out your future with your family.

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-integenerational-trauma-5211898

Find a Mentor or Therapist

https://www.bydominiqueduarte.com/why-we-should-go-to-therapy/

Therapy gives you an analysis of your life’s history and why things are the way they are in your life. Therapy is not about blaming people for your life issues, but it gives you a bird’s eye view of what traumas you have experienced and how it has shaped you into who you are today. If you have tried therapy to no avail, then seek a mentor. This can be someone a bit older and more experienced with life to guide you. A therapist or mentor can help you process your intergenerational trauma.

Learn Your Family’s History

If you do not know your past, you will repeat it. Learn about your family’s strengths, weaknesses, the origin stories as far back as you can go, major events, and the causes and effects of those events. If you know your family’s history, it can give you more perspective and helps you remember that your family members are also flawed humans. Since we are so close to our families, we tend to forget this. Growing up, everyone in my family seemed larger than life to me, but the older I got the more I realized that they are just humans trying their best like me.

Process Your Role in Your Family

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/invisible-bruises/202303/8-common-dysfunctional-family-roles

Figure out what your role is in your family and possibly the why behind this position. Roles include: the scapegoat, the golden child, the hero, identified patient, the lost child, the caretaker, or the parentified child. In my immediate family, I was an only child and the center of attention, but my spiritual, mental, and emotional needs were not being met. In my extended family, I was the lost child. I was not accomplished enough for much familial praise. However, since I was not creating controversy in the family I was ignored. Your role in your family is often influenced by intergenerational trauma.

Figure Out Your Future with Your Family

There is no right or wrong answer to your future with your family. You can forgive them, but still not have them in your life. On the other hand, you can forgive and have family in your life with boundaries. Also, you can just ask yourself: Would I want this person in my life as a friend? Take it one day at a time, one family member at a time.

Figure out which bonds can be strengthened, which bonds could be limited temporarily or permanently. Society says family is supposed to be very close because you share blood. This can be alot of pressure when that has not been your reality in the past. It is easier to connect with people outside of my family and always has been. Sometimes, you have to create your own family so figure out what works best for you.

Conclusion

Until therapy, I did not have the words to describe how I felt about my family. There is no beef with anyone, but not much connection either and my family history influenced this dynamic for sure. My role as the lost child in my family was set before I was born. I moved to NYC and I thought that would solve the feelings, but it just put a temporary band aid on it. Processing intergenerational trauma is a challenging process that will take time. Be patient with yourself and your family members as you process intergenerational trauma.

Hope this helps,

Dominique Duarte

What role do you think you have in your family? Comment below!

Our life experiences are unique. Why do some people have so many people around them and others don’t? Some people seem to always have others around them all the time. Of course having several people around you does not gurantee a lack of loneliness in your life. It is not the quantity, but the quality of relationships. Everyone gets lonely sometimes, but loneliness is a constant companion for some people for years. Be fruitful with your time alone, put yourself out there, and develop your communication skills to manage loneliness in your life.

Book Suggestion: How to Win Friends & Influence People: https://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/0671027034

Be Fruitful With Your Time Alone

Spend time getting to know yourself. Try to take long walks, go to the movies, meditate, pray, read books, take yourself on dates, and become attuned to inner self. The more you know yourself, the more confident you will become to others. When you are comfortable with yourself, you will attract positive people in your life. Furthermore, when you know what you are interested in, you can eventually find your circle of friends.

Put Yourself Out There

Putting yourself out there is highly overused in society, but there is some truth to the statement. Friends are not going to just drop into your apartment or house randomly. You will have to put in some work to build relationships. Volunteer, join organizations that interest you, find people in your industry or career field. Use https://www.meetup.com/ to meet people with similar hobbies, careers, or interests. If going out all the time is overwhelming for you, try to challenge yourself to go out a couple of times a month. If money is an issue, find some free activities to meet people.

Develop Your Communication Skills

Most of us think that we are great communicators. However, when you develop relationships with people on a deeper level, your communications skills are going to be truly tested. Can you disagree with someone in a respectful way? When you are angry or upset, do you know how to self-regulate? What triggers you and why? Do you stand up for yourself effectively when challenged?

No one should put up with abusive behavior from people, but relationships will have conflict sometimes. We are human and conflict is inevitable. Conflict resolution is a necessary skill to have successful friendships and romantic relationships. If you continue to isolate yourself from people when conflict arises, then you will be lonely. Work to improve your conflict resolution skills in order to gain friends, you have to learn how to be a friend too.

Conclusion

NYC can be an extremely lonely place to live for me personally, but I realize that I could have pushed myself to socialize a bit more during the past 7 years. Dealing with people can be difficult, especially when you isolate regularly or struggled to fit in during your formative years. Developing your communication skills, being fruitful with your time alone, and putting yourself out there will strengthen your self-esteem. When your self-esteem increases, then you will find your circle or support system no matter where you live.

Hope this helps,

Dominique Duarte

https://www.bydominiqueduarte.com/how-to-make-friends-in-adulthood/

How do you make friends? Comment Below

“Life was like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re going to get.” -Forest Gump. Who knows how to manage life after college? I learned that the quote above it so true to life. the Forrest Gump is a classic film that I have watched growing up. The quote above was just a funny saying to me at the time. But I had no idea how accurate this quote would be in my life. I graduated college 11 years ago in December and it has been quite a wild ride. Managing life after high school and college is not for the faint of heart.

2013-2016- NYC & Back Home Again

On January 2nd, 2013, I moved to NYC. I decided to move back home to Memphis three weeks later at the end of January. I stayed in Memphis for three years, but those three years were necessary for me to grow as a performer and a person. I performed more in those three years in Memphis than I have in the last seven years since living in NYC. Leaving NYC in 2013 was a setback at the time, but moving back home taught me to make the most of the setback.

2016-2017- NYC & AMDA

In 2016, I decided to move back to NYC after getting accepted into AMDA. On August 6, 2016, I moved back to NYC. I got a job at the Disney Store in Times Square, and took classes at AMDA, full-time conservatory from October 2016 until June 2017. I received a signficant scholarship to go to AMDA. I took a small personal loan the first year to cover the left over cost and was approved without a co-signer. However, I could not get approved for another small loan for the second year.

https://www.bydominiqueduarte.com/how-to-wait-patiently/

2017-2018- AUDITIONS

I left AMDA after two semesters and began to audition in NYC. I got callbacks on my first two live auditions, which was amazing. I got an agent and manager in February 2018 and booked a musical in Colorado from March until May 2018. I came back to NYC and auditioned regularly while I worked full-time at Trader Joe’s. Due to burnout from performing, I decided to take a break from acting at the end of 2018.

2019-2020-Teaching & Church, Pre-Pandemic

In 2019, I began working for the Coalition for Hispanic Family Services as a teaching artist for the Arts & Literacy Program. In February of 2020, I applied and was hired as a full-time teacher at Achievment First Crown Heights Elementary for the 2020-2021 school year. During this time, I finally found a church home in NYC at Bethany United Methodist in Brooklyn. I joined the church about a week before the shutdown for COVID.

2020-2022- Teaching, Return to Acting

In order to teach at Achievement First, I had to enroll at Relay Graduate School of Education to study Elementary Education. I completed my first year of teaching and graduate school. However, my second year was not as successful for teaching or finishing my degree. I worked at two other schools my second year of teaching, but quit both schools before the end of the 2021-2022 school year.

Then, I took a leave of absence from grad school and began acting again after a 3-year hiatus. Surprisingly, I booked quite a bit of acting work in 2022 in television, film, as well as a play and a new musical reading. During this time, I worked at Jazz at Lincoln Center, returned to the Coalition for Hispanic Family Services, and began working in catering for Amerivents as well as Cipriani.

2023- A Year of Several Changes

2023 was a roller coaster of changes. In January, my catering jobs slowed down to nothing. In late 2022, I quit my jobs at Jazz at Lincoln Center and the Coalition because I thought I would make more money I worked more hours at the catering jobs. Once the catering jobs came to a halt in January, I enrolled in classes to get a security guard license and work as a flex security guard. At the same time, I applied for teaching jobs again. I got a position as a 6th grade math teacher at a school in the Bronx and reenrolled at Relay for my final semester.

2023- Brief Return to Teaching & Setback

When I re-enrolled in graduate school, I was hopeful that I would finish out the school year with a master’s degree in Elementary Education. However, I was asked to be dishonest by my leadership team at the school. I thought about being dishonest because at this point I felt desperate to keep this job to finish the degree.

But once my professor informed me that what I was being asked to do was against state regulations, I decided to resign. No one tells you that there are consequences for honesty. It was already April by this time so I did not finish my master’s degree again for the second time.

I resigned from teaching and went back to catering just in time for the busy season. I continued auditioning again and booked a staged reading for a new musical in NYC, a staged musical presentation in Pennsylvania, and a national choral tour that I loved. What started out as a really rough year turned out to be one of the most memorable years by early November.

End of 2023

November and December took me on another wild ride. I finished my tour on November 5th and returned home to a bit of a cultural shock. I went back to catering, but I knew that catering was going to slow down in January so I tried to find other jobs. I accepted three jobs within a few weeks.

Conclusion

2024 is a brand new year and I am thankful for it. I have learned quite a bit in just the last few weeks. I am learning to stand up for myself more and do things that are more aligned with my values. Yes, I want to act and perform, but I have always wanted to be an entrepreneur as well. My focus this year is to make that a reality. I started my own business in Tennessee and I can do that again in NYC. Working for myself is my ultimate goal and I pray that it comes to fruition. Life will throw things at you, but you have to just pivot and keep going. Be persistent and consistent!

Book Suggestion: The Power of Persistence: How to Stop Quitting on Yourself and Achieve Your Goals: https://www.amazon.com/Power-Persistence-Quitting-Confidence-Willpower/dp/1640954694

Hope this helps,

Dominique Duarte

Welcome to the year 2024! 2023 was the first year that I began using my voice in my daily life. It has taken years to find my voice. Now, I am working on using my voice consistently and effectively during conflicts. Finding your voice is a process so please give yourself grace. Sitting in silence, setting boundaries, and exposing yourself to diversity can help you find your voice in the world.

Sitting in Silence

Our phones, ipads, and social media have become constant distractions in our lives. We are always influenced by everything around us. Sitting in silence can give you a chance to check in with your inner thoughts and feelings. So, try yoga, meditation, journaling, or taking a long walk outside to rest your brain. Start with just 5 minutes of silence a day. You can add on more time each week or each month if possible.

Set Boundaries

Setting boundaries is the only thing you can control when dealing with other people. Remember that you cannot control anyone or their behavior. However, you can set expectations about how you would like to be treated in a firm, and calm manner. This is a way to use your voice and take your power back in a sticky situation. If people continue to break your boundaries, then perhaps it is time to move on without that relationship, whether it be work, family, or friendships.

Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab https://www.nedratawwab.com/set-boundaries-find-peace

Expose Yourself to Diversity

Furthermore, try to expose yourself to a variety of viewpoints on a multitude of subjects. You can try to surround yourself with people of different races, ethnicities, interests, and socioeconomic statuses. If you only hang around people that look and think like you, then your ideas and beliefs will rarely be challenged. This will give you a limited view of the world as a whole. Diversity is essential to finding your voice within the world.

Conclusion

In conclusion, finding your voice and using it consistently will be a life long process for you. Siting in silence gives you a chance to discover your voice. Setting boundaries with people gives you a chance to use your voice with others. Lastly, exposing yourself to diversity can give you a wider perspective about the world as a whole.

Hope this helps,

https://www.bydominiqueduarte.com/the-best-ways-to-process-your-negative-feelings/

Dominique Duarte

Do you think you have found your voice in the world?

Why or why not? Comment Below