Photo at Winslow Dining Hall during my sophomore year at Murray State University on Mardi Gras
How many jobs have you held in your life? I have had a total of 33 jobs in 17 years. This does not include all of the musicals, operas, television and film projects either. I am a professional singer and actor. Did I plan on having 33 jobs in 17 years? Of course not, but life has been a crazy wild ride.
There were no drugs, very little alcohol, but my drug of choice has been WORK! Most of my adult life I have worked at least 3 jobs or more simultaneously in addition to performing. Each week I will discuss one of my former or current jobs. I will reflect on my experience at each job. Here is job number 3!
First College Job
When I went to college, I debated multiple times whether to work while I was in school. I did not mind working, but music was an extremely time consuming major that required several rehearsals and way too many classes each semester. During my first semester of my sophomore year, I decided to get a job at Winslow Dining Hall at Murray State.
I cannot remember how much I got paid for this job, It was probably minimum wage. Minimum wage in Kentucky at the time was $7.25 an hour. I worked this job for only one school semester August 2009 until December 2009. This job involved some serious back breaking work on top of my crazy music major schedule. I worked Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays.
Winslow Duties
I worked in the dish room for most of my shifts. Working in the dish room is not for the faint of heart. It is hot, wet, and you see some pretty nasty food combos on the dishes. On weekend mornings, I sometimes made omelets for students. I tried flipping an omelet just like my co-worker did, but dropped it on the floor. LOL. Also, I would have to clean all of the tables and there were several tables on both sides of the dining hall. This was a pretty big dining hall.
Quitting
If I had a normal major that did not require so many outside rehearsals, I would have continued working this job. Yes it was hard work, but it was similar to the work that I did at Ryan’s Grill Buffet & Bakery. Furthermore, I made straight A’s the semester that I worked at Winslow Dining Hall. The only time in my college career that I did that. This part-time job kept me more focused with my schoolwork because I had less time to complete it. So, maybe, I should have kept this job after all. If you are a college student, consider getting a part-time job. It actually may keep you more focused on your schoolwork than you think.
How many jobs have you held in your life? I have had a total of 33 jobs in 17 years. This does not include all of the musicals, operas, and television and film projects either. I am a professional singer and actor. Did I plan on having 33 jobs in 17 years? Of course not, but life has been a crazy wild ride.
There were no drugs, very little alcohol, but my drug of choice has been WORK! Most of my adult life I have worked at least 3 jobs or more simultaneously in addition to performing. Each week I will discuss one of my former or current jobs. I will reflect on my experience at each job. Here is job number two!
My Second Job
In the summer of 2008 before I went off to college, I worked as a server at Ryan’s Grill Buffet & Bakery. This job may have been one of my worst job experiences to date. Ryan’s Grill & Buffet on Riverdale Road in Memphis, Tennessee was a very popular restaurant for years. I remember going there often to eat with my family on several occassions. However, it was much cleaner and well managed back then.
Bug Problem
When I worked at this restaurant, there was a significant roach problem. It was terrible. One day, a customer told me that a roach went into the salad on the buffet line. This was mortifying. When I would go to the stock room there were always roaches in there too. The Riverdale location closed not long after I left. I was not surprised when the location closed because I am sure they failed the health inspections.
Money Woes
Since Ryan’s servers received tips, the hourly wage was only $2.14 an hour! I had checks that were $14! My total tips for two months was only about $350 dollars. This was enough to pay for my college textbooks only. It is tricky when you are a server at a buffet restaurant because people do not think tipping is necessary since the server does not deliver the food to the guests. But at Ryan’s, I took all of the drink orders with unlimited refills, gave guests multiple baskets of buttered rolls, and bussed the tables.
Quitting for College
I quit this job when I went to Murray State in the fall of 2008. Ironically, there was a Ryan’s in Murray, Kentucky so I could have tranferred! Who Knew! This was my only restaurant server job to date. After this experience, I never wanted to serve again due to the super sporadic tips and low hourly wage. Furthermore, I was not the best server, even at a buffet style restaurant.
Yes, I was friendly, but moving quickly has never been my strength in life. A server has to work fast and swift especially at a non-buffet style restaurant. I struggled to be fast at the buffet style restaurant so there would be no serving for me in my future, not in this lifetime. Serving is a very challenging job that requires significant muli-tasking and strong customer service skills.
Food for Thought
I encourage everyone to appreciate their servers when they go out to eat. If the food is messed up, it is not the server’s fault unless the server took your order incorrectly. If the food is taking too long, this is usually not the server’s fault either. The cooks are probably behind on the orders. If you have ever been in a restaurant kitchen, it is chaotic back there, especially during rush hours.
Your server has between six to eight tables at a time. At the end of the day, most servers want you to have a positive experience and they are not trying to ruin your day. Servers have been some of the kindest people that I have worked with most times. Servers extremely hard working, even the grumpy ones, lol. Please give your servers some grace the next time you go out to eat. Empathy goes a long way.
Photo by Anthony McMahon at GHS-TV Studios in 2007
How many jobs have you held in your life? I have had a total of 33 jobs in 17 years. This does not include all of the musicals, operas, and television and film projects either. I am a professional singer and actor. Did I plan on having 33 jobs in 17 years? Of course not, but life has been a crazy wild ride. There were no drugs, very little alcohol, but my drug of choice has been WORK!
Most of my adult life I have worked at least 3 jobs or more simultaneously in addition to performing. So I will be doing a series on my 33 Jobs. Each week I will discuss one of my jobs and reflect on what I learned. Maybe you can apply for one of these jobs. Let’s start with my first job!
My first job was working for GHS-TV and Poplar Pike Playhouse as an intern for the summer of 2007. It was actually a full-time position that paid minimum wage which was $6.50 an hour at the time. In high school, I was enrolled in a class called “Production”. We were known as the “production students” by faculty and classmates.
Production Class
Most students thought we were insane and had no life outside of the theatre or televison studio. Well, they were not wrong. We basically worked full-time as students at GHS-TV and Poplar Pike Playhouse during the school year. The actual Production Class was during fourth period. We all had different positions in the class for both GHS-TV and Poplar Pike Playhouse.
Production Jobs
For the Poplar Pike Playhouse, I was an assistant box office manager my junior year and then box office manager my senior year. I was also a producer for Wake Up, Germantown and student reporter for GHS-TV. Our fourth period Production Class was a daily meeting between the fine arts faculty and all of the production students. After the meeting, we would get to work on whatever projects that we needed to do for either GHS-TV or Poplar Pike Playhouse.
A Small Misunderstanding
This job was a great first job. I just continued doing the work that I had been doing during the school year. But this time I got a paycheck, which was amazing. However, once the summer was over, the fine arts chairperson told be that I was expected to take Production Class for both fourth and fifth period during my senior year.
If I had know that I was expected to do fourth and fifth period for Production Class, I would not have done the summer internship. 4th Period Production Class and Chamber Choir were my only electives that year. All of my other classes were required in order to graduate. I could not have another elective and I did not want to drop choir.
The department chairperson was not happy, but there was nothing that he could do. I am so glad that I stayed in choir because I made the All-West Tennessee Honor Choir that year, which was a cool experience. Lastly, I became a music major in college. I may not have been accepted into the music department at Murray State if I had not remained in choir during my senior year.
Conclusion
Compared to most people’s first jobs, this was a cool first job. During the internship, I got to work with my classmates and prepare for my Production Class jobs for the following school year. Production Class responsibilities were extremely difficult to balance during the school year. The summer internship was a relief because I had no homework or classes in the summer.
During the school year, I stayed after-school quite late almost daily for Production related projects. Sometimes, I would get up at 3am just to complete my homework. The paid summer internship was probably one of the calmest times in my life. Furthermore, at the end of my senior, I won two regional Emmys for my news reports at GHS-TV and won best reporter in my production class. Internships are a nice way to expose yourself to the workforce. So if you are in high school or college, I would encourage you to apply to internships as soon as possible.
This past New Year’s Eve, I was not thrilled to ring in the new year. I silently said a prayer and actually teared up a bit during the countdown. Within the last 90 days, I have already had quite a turbulent year. This was similar to the first quarters in both 2023 and 2022. However, your first quarter does not have to define the rest of your year. In order to examine your first quarter, look at your goals, analyze the results of the quarter, and plan for your next quarter with deligence.
Look at Your Goals
If you do not have any goals, that is okay. Today, you can write some personal goals for 2024. You got this! If you have 2024 goals already, write small actions you will need to take to accomplish the goal. If you have done this already, then look at the goals and see how you are progressing on each goal. What things went well this quarter? What things need improvement for next quarter? Do not beat yourself up if things did not get accomplished. You have three more quarters to go this year, so give yourself some grace.
Next, you will go through each goal that you have for the new year. You will ask yourself: Did I actively work toward the goal? Did I accomplish the goal? What actions did I take to work toward this goal this quarter? What improvements do I need to make to complete this goal next quarter.
Example: My first goal this year was to cook meals at home and reach my goal weight. Yes, I did actively work toward the goal. I have not accomplished the goal completely yet. The actions that I took toward my goal: I began making my breakfast on Sunday nights and eating the breakfast throughout the week on my way to work. Also, I began going to Zumba classes and walked about 3 to 5 miles a day. However, I need to improve on cooking dinner at home and eliminating sugary foods.
Plan for the Next Quarter
For next quarter, continue doing the things that are going well toward your goals. Now, look at what needed improvement and create new actions in order to accomplish each goal. My example: I have now made a habit of cooking breakfast on Sunday nights and eating it on my way to work pretty consistently. I will keep doing this. Now, when I come home from work, I will make a smoothie as soon as I get home. I will prep my protein for dinner on Sunday nights as well. This will curb eating out for dinner.
Conclusion
Congrats you made it through the first quarter of 2024. Tomorrow is a new day, April 1st. Tomorrow, you get a clean slate if you have not accomplished any goals. April 1st can be your New Year’s Day if you want. If you have been working on your goals, you can continue working your on your new habit or habits. Furthermore, you can add some new habits slowly throughout this next quarter to accomplish the goal. Ready, set, GO! You are awesome!
Seeking validation from others has been a constant in my life. As a child, I felt unseen and unheard in my family. I learned to mute my voice, and physically shrink in social situations. Recently, I attended the Embrace and Transform Workshop hosted by Eric M. Hovis. One of my biggest takeaways from the workshop was that I need to take up more space. Using my voice has become easier, but taking up space, especially in unfamiliar settings is still challenging for me. In order to begin taking up more space, ask people how you are currently showing up in the world, know your self-worth, and socialize more frequently.
Ask People How You Are Currently Showing Up in the World
You can ask people how you are showing up in the world. Sometimes, we may be completely unaware of how we are showing up in a room. You may think that you are entering the room with a load of confidence, but others could read you completely differently. Ask people in your life who you know will give you honest feedback about how you show up in the world. Take the feedback and practice showing up with a bit more confidence in new situations.
Know Your Self-Worth
You are worthy no matter what you accomplish or what you look like. Self-worth is not the same as self-esteem. According to University of North Carolina Wilmington resource page, self-worth is “the internal sense of being good enough and worthy of love and belonging from others.” Self-esteem comes from achievements or success, but self- worth is knowing that you are of value just for being who you are. You are so amazing and valuable, tell yourself that everyday.
Socialize More Frequently
The more you socialize, the more comfortable you will become with taking up space. So, get out of your comfort zone regularly. This gives you a chance to practice taking up more space in a room. If you only stick inside the four walls your room all the time, then you will always feel strange in social situations. Find meet up groups, join a church, volunteer somewhere that you are passionate about to become more present around other people.
Conclusion
Taking up more space can seem like a daunting task for more reserved people or people who lack confidence. Your voice matters and people need to hear you. We all have something beautiful to add to this world. Show up, take up space, and share your amazing gifts with the world. This can encourage others to do the same and make the world an even brighter place for everyone.
Life is full of ups and downs. Your plans may not have gone the way you thought. How do you find your passion for life after setbacks? Since 2013, I have created a poster with my goals for each year. Sometimes, I accomplish a few goals, but some goals turned upside down like a wilting flower.
Performing has always been my passion, but I always knew that I had to have another job to pay the bills. I have had some gains, but multiple setbacks as an adult. My passion for life has taken a dip down at times. Learning the power of the pivot, creating stability while pursing your passion part-time, and seeking therapy, a mentor or accountability partner will restore your passion for life in general.
Learn the Power of the Pivot
When I graduated college and moved back home to Memphis, my goal was to get a full-time in an office setting while doing theatre in the evenings. Hundreds of applications later, this did not happen. I had to get three jobs instead of one while doing theatre at night in Memphis for three years. In NYC, the first few years were the most stable, however, I have gone through several pivots within the last five years.
You can make plans, but sometimes things do not go according to the plan. You may need to change direction completely or you can make subtle changes to the plan. This has been a difficult lesson to learn. As a teen or young adult, you are told that if you work hard, you will have success and sometimes this is not always the case. Life just happens sometimes, but you just have to keep trying. Try to pivot with a purpose and new plan in place.
Creating Stability While Pursing Your Passion Part-time
Originally, I pursued teaching because I wanted stability for a bit and wanted to get out of debt. However, this did not go according to planned either. I went into significantly more debt due to graduate school. Pursuing singing and acting has been an emotional roller coaster for sure as well. I book performing work often, but it does not always pay very well. I get callbacks for major opportunities, but I don’t book the higher paying jobs.
In 2024, I decided to become a teaching assistant while pursing theatre projects in NYC in the evenings. This will give more stability and build my resume in acting. When I was a lead teacher, I had no time to pursue theater at all and was pretty miserable. As a teacher’s assistant, I can have more of a work life balance. Pursuing your passion is amazing, but stability is necessary after a certain point. Create a morning routine and evening routine to build some consistency for in your life. Your nervous system will thank you!
Seek Therapy, Mentor or Accountability Partner
If I had been in therapy while I was teaching full-time, things may have turned out differently with my teaching career. I have multiple mentors that have supported me for years now. If therapy or finding a mentor is not for you, then find a friend to be an accountability partner.
An accountability partner is someone that you can discuss what actions you plan to take toward goals. The partner can tell you their plans and actions as well. The two of you can encourage one another to accomplish your goals. No one is a one man island. Success comes when you have a small village in your life to encourage and support you.
Conclusion
Learning the power of the pivot will help you keep going when things do not turn out as planned. It is okay to feel disappointment and sadness when this happens. Mourn what you thought was going to be. We are humans and we do have setbacks. Feel your feelings, but get back up again and try something else. If your passion is challenging to pursue full-time, then, consider finding a day job that you like to do, and work on your passion part-time.
This balance will make such a difference for you. You will have financial stability, but you are still working toward things that you love too. Lastly seek therapy, a mentor or accountability partner so that you have a support system. When you have learn the power of the pivot, create stability and time for your passion, and gain a support system, you will truly begin to find your passion for life again.
Hope this helps,
Dominique Duarte
Have you ever had to pivot in your life? Comment below
As a child, teen, and young adult, I went to school in predominantly white environments. This never bothered me and I was accepted for the most part so much so that I felt more comfortable in the white community than in the black community in my youth. What I did not know was how challenging life would be as a black woman in America. Black women have limited voice in the workplace, lack of financial stability, and a limited support system.
Limited Voice in the Workplace
In the workplace, black women are still treated like our voice does not matter. It is not always necessarily racism at work, but probably implicit bias. Everyone has implicit bias. According to the American Psychological Association, implicit bias is defined as a subconscious negative attitude toward a specific group of people.
In most situations, black women are the minority in a room, usually full of white males and females. It can be challenging to say anything without being labeled as difficult. In order to not receive that label, I learned to mute my voice at school and at work. Repressing my thoughts and emotions would then lead to eruptions of anger later on. Finding the balance between being assertive and being accepted is a a fine line to walk for a black woman at work.
In 2022, the Journal of Blacks in Higher Education found that 48 percent of black women have never been married and 51.1 percent of black men have never been married. Only 27.5 of the white population have never been married. Marriage is not a requirement in life, however living expenses are more tolerable when you have a two income household.
Black women tend to be single longer than their peers of other races or single their entire lives. Marriage is not easy at all, but it does give you a bit more financial stability than being single your entire life. Furthermore, you can split life responsibilities between two people in marriage. Supporting yourself financially for a lifetime as a single person is a bit overwhelming, even with a relatively high salary.
We do not tend to have much support from other people because black women tend to be the support for other people. In real life as well as television and film, black women are depicted as being strong, the rock, helper, or the one to go to for wisdom and advice. However, who does the black woman go to for advice?
It is usually other black women. Black women are the only ones to understand what it is like to walk in America with our hue. Many black women have had absent fathers, failed relationships, were used and abused by men, or were just seen for what they could do for others. Black women continue to fill the cup of others, but it is rarely reciprocated in the same way as it is in society for women of other races.
Conclusion
Being black is beautiful, but it can also feel like a burden at times to be honest. When I was a little girl, I had no idea what I was signing up for when I grew up. In the workplace, I have felt unwelcomed multiple times. My support system has been limited, except for other black women. Financial security has been rocky for me at best.
I learned the hard lesson that my life will never look the same as the white peers that I went to school with years ago. We live in completely different worlds and it is a hard pill to swallow. However, you can persevere and be resilient black women. We are a people of strong faith in God. At the end of the day, all you have to depend on as a black woman is God. If we did not have faith, I think we would break into a million pieces. Hold your heads up high Black Queens! You Got This!
Food, oh how I love food! I have always had an appetite for glorious food for as long as I can remember. At the age of 4 at my grandparents’ house, I knew that when Young & the Restless was over, it was lunch time, and once Oprah was over, it was dinner time, lol. The most important times of the day for me!
As a child, I never really exercised outside of recess or gym class. My metabolism must have been a bit fast because I remained relatively small during childhood and my teen years. For the most part, I have maintained a healthy weight most of my life, but my thirties have been a different story. Remaining thin does not equal healthy eating and I am the prime example of that. Here is my journey with food and weight over the years.
Food in My Twenties
Sugar has been my best friend for years. As an adult, my sugar intake increased greatly when I went to college. During college, no one was there to monitor my diet so I would gain about 10 to 12 pounds during the school year and lose it during the summer break each year. I would overconsume calories by binge eating or underconsume calories to maintain my weight.
Most of my calories were from sugary and highly processed foods. Before moving to New York, I hit my goal weight despite my terrible diet. I worked out with a trainor for about 10 months at Planet Fitness in 2016. From 2016 until 2017, I took dance classes eight hours a week at AMDA and lived in NYC. I maintained my weight pretty well for the first couple of years living in New York. From 2017 to 2018, I gained about 10 pounds and then gained another 10 pounds in 2019.
2020-2021
I turned thirty in November of 2019. During the pandemic, I was teaching full-time remotely for the entire school year. I was the least active than I had been in my entire adult life in 2020. Furthermore, I discovered ubereats, grubhub and doordash, which was a mistake for sure. The pounds piled on quickly causing my most rapid weight gain in my life.
From July 2020 until February 2021, I gained thirty additional pounds. I never thought I would see a number that high, but 196 pounds was my highest weight ever. I knew that I had to make a change because I did not want to see 200 anytime soon. Unfortunately, I still loved food aloooot, so this weight loss journey was not as quick as I thought it would be. I thought I could drop 30 pounds in six months, but this was not the case.
2021-Mid 2022
First, I got rid of my ubereats, doordash, and grubhub accounts. If you have a food addiction, having food come directly to your door will not end well for you. Secondly, I began to walk 10,000 steps or more everyday. This is a habit that I still continue today. Lastly, I began using my fitness pal to track my food and exercise daily. Logging my food showed me that I had been consuming about 3,000 calories a day without even realizing it.
2022-Present
Eventually, I lost the thirty pounds over the course of a year and a half. So far, I have maintained the 30 pound weight loss since late 2022. My diet is still a work in progress. Yes, my calorie intake has decreased and I do not binge eat the way that I used to all the time. But, the quality of my calories is still the issue. My cholesterol was a bit high last year and my doctor referred me to a nutritionist.
If you have a nutritionist, it is not just a one time visit. I have met with a nutritionist quite a few times over the course of the past year. I learned that food is definitely a coping mechanism for me to deal with life. My hectic ever changing lifestyle does not help much either. Food has been my drug of choice.
One of the biggest issues that I have dealt with pretty much my entire life is loneliness. Adulthood has been extremely challenging for me in many ways and I never had any outlets, except eating. Food has been my friend for as long as I can remember because it is consistently there and people are not.
I have plenty of friends who live in other states. However, most friends have partners and being single leaves you out on the fringe of society when you reach a certain age. So, I began reading and taking 5-mile walks more often to relieve my stress and loneliness. I am working on socializing a bit more too.
Conclusion
After meeting with the nutrionist multiple times, I am still holding on to 20 extra pounds. The sugar addiction has been hard to break. I read a book called Breaking Up with Sugar by Molly Carmel twice. I have attemped multiple times to give it up. The nutrionist did teach me to find ways to prepare meals at home that are not too difficult. I did not like to cook at home. I hated it.
But, I have started to meal prep at least my breakfast and my protein for dinner on the weekends. Now, if I could continue to cut down on sugar, the 20 pounds would drop quickly. My nutritionist has told me this multiple times to no avail. Frustrated is an understatement. If you can break your sugar addiction or over indulgence with food, please consider it.
My calorie count is reasonable overall, but the quality of calories could still use some improvement. My prayer is to lose these last 20 pounds by June and give up sugar until I reach this goal. If food is your best friend, I completely understand because my journey with food has been a wild ride for sure. Stay encouraged friends!
Do you feel stressed? If you want to relieve some stress, try to take life one day at a time. You can use daily affirmations, find your gifts by exploring your interests, take care of yourself, hygiene included. I know that sounds extreme, but when people are depressed or lacking self-esteem, hygiene may be neglected. You can also learn to take daily action toward your goals, and surround yourself with positive family and friends to support you.
Write & Recite a Daily Affirmation
We all have days when we are not feeling our best. You need to have a pick me up and this does not mean going to caffeine, drugs, alcohol, weed, or food to feel better. Feel your feelings! We are not going to feel positive all the time and this is okay. It is better to feel the feelings than avoid and suppress them. However, you can overcome persistent negative feelings by reciting an affirmation or mantra to get you out of your inner-bully. If you do not want to write an affirmation, there are plenty of affirmations that you can find online and repeat to yourself when you are feeling low.
We all have at least one gift. People see singing, dancing and acting as a gift, but teaching, cooking, organizing, planning, encouraging, writing, styling, are all gifts and there are plenty where that came from. I am always surprised at how many people do not actively use their gifts and passions. Once you find your gifts, cultivate them like a garden so they will blossom.
Believe it or not, natural talent can only get you so far. If you want to become great in your calling or purpose, you will have to put in hard work. Read, watch, and talk to people who possess your gifts and learn as much about them as possible. When you know why you are here on Earth, you will feel better about yourself and will flourish.
Read Find Your Place: Locating Your Calling through Your Gifts, Passions, and Story: https://amzn.to/3Q4a5cE
Take Daily Action Toward Goals
A planner will be your best friend. You can use your phone, but I go old school with a small planner where I write everything down and use my handy dandy pen to scratch off things as I complete each task. You will feel so good about yourself when you see that you are getting things done. Write your long term goals and post them on your wall.
Then, write down the actions you need to take in order to accomplish those long term goals. Figure out how you can spread out those actions daily, as well as weekly. This is the type of planning that leads to success. Goals are amazing, but if you do not have a plan of action to accomplish it, your goals are in vain. Take action, cross if off your planner as you go, and your dreams will start to become reality.
If you are not taking care of yourself, you will not feel encouraged. Get up, brush your teeth, shower, put on some clean clothes, take walks, go to the spa, get a massage, get your nails done, get your hair done, go to the park, ride your bike, go outside. If you are on a tight budget, find and attend free events, do something that you enjoy.
Furthermore, learn to say no sometimes to make sure you are making time for you. You cannot be a help to someone if you are operating at a deficit. Make it a habit to do these things at least once or twice a week and your mood will improve and this will put a little peep in your step. If you are grinding all the time and not taking time to live life, then you will struggle to stay centered and regulated.
52 Stress Less & Self Care Cards – Mindfulness & Meditation Exercises – Anxiety Relief & Relaxation: https://amzn.to/3PP6QGo
Surround Yourself with Positive Family & Friends
Listen, you do not want to be unsupportive to family and friends who are having personal struggles. However, there is a difference between when people are having a hard time for the moment and when someone is negative in general. You know the difference, trust yourself. You can limit contact and you can set boundaries with toxic family and friends.
Set boundaries with negative people so that you protect your own heart. Spending time with positive family and friends is a necessary component to feeling encouraged and becoming your best self. If you do not have any positive family and friends, use positive youtubers to be your supportive friends.
If you want to live life one day at a time, speak affirmations to yourself every day, ask yourself questions to help you find your natural gifts. Once you have found those gifts, cultivate them and continue to grow in those talents.
Take action toward your goals and surround yourself with a positive network of people, whether real or virtual. Who are you spending your time with? Do they have a growth mindset? Remember, you become like the 5 people that you spend the most time with, so choose your closest peeps wisely.
Hope this helps,
Dominique Duarte
How do live life one day at a time? Comment below!
According to Verywellmind.com, Intergenerational Trauma is “trama that is passed down from a trauma survivor to his/her descendants.” Oprah and Dr. Perry’s book “What Happened to You?”, discusses the generational trauma in African American families due to slavery and Jim Crow. Jim Crow laws and slavery ended long ago, but the effect on black families in the U.S. is still apparent, even in 2024.
Since African Americans did not immigrate to America like other people, our sense of community was not established as thoroughly as immigrants. Furthermore, black people are still the least likely to go to therapy. In order to overcome intergenerational trauma, learn your family history, find a therapist or mentor, process your role in your family, and figure out your future with your family.
Therapy gives you an analysis of your life’s history and why things are the way they are in your life. Therapy is not about blaming people for your life issues, but it gives you a bird’s eye view of what traumas you have experienced and how it has shaped you into who you are today. If you have tried therapy to no avail, then seek a mentor. This can be someone a bit older and more experienced with life to guide you. A therapist or mentor can help you process your intergenerational trauma.
Learn Your Family’s History
If you do not know your past, you will repeat it. Learn about your family’s strengths, weaknesses, the origin stories as far back as you can go, major events, and the causes and effects of those events. If you know your family’s history, it can give you more perspective and helps you remember that your family members are also flawed humans. Since we are so close to our families, we tend to forget this. Growing up, everyone in my family seemed larger than life to me, but the older I got the more I realized that they are just humans trying their best like me.
Figure out what your role is in your family and possibly the why behind this position. Roles include: the scapegoat, the golden child, the hero, identified patient, the lost child, the caretaker, or the parentified child. In my immediate family, I was an only child and the center of attention, but my spiritual, mental, and emotional needs were not being met. In my extended family, I was the lost child. I was not accomplished enough for much familial praise. However, since I was not creating controversy in the family I was ignored. Your role in your family is often influenced by intergenerational trauma.
Figure Out Your Future with Your Family
There is no right or wrong answer to your future with your family. You can forgive them, but still not have them in your life. On the other hand, you can forgive and have family in your life with boundaries. Also, you can just ask yourself: Would I want this person in my life as a friend? Take it one day at a time, one family member at a time.
Figure out which bonds can be strengthened, which bonds could be limited temporarily or permanently. Society says family is supposed to be very close because you share blood. This can be alot of pressure when that has not been your reality in the past. It is easier to connect with people outside of my family and always has been. Sometimes, you have to create your own family so figure out what works best for you.
Conclusion
Until therapy, I did not have the words to describe how I felt about my family. There is no beef with anyone, but not much connection either and my family history influenced this dynamic for sure. My role as the lost child in my family was set before I was born. I moved to NYC and I thought that would solve the feelings, but it just put a temporary band aid on it. Processing intergenerational trauma is a challenging process that will take time. Be patient with yourself and your family members as you process intergenerational trauma.
Hope this helps,
Dominique Duarte
What role do you think you have in your family? Comment below!
