Our society can definitely be self-absorbed. However, self indulgence does not necessarily equal self-love. Hundreds of gorgeous selfies does not mean we love ourselves anymore or less. Awards and accolades do not bring self-love either. True self-love is necessary to be a loving person to other people. So how do you love yourself? You can focus on what you can control, set boundaries with people, and embrace yourself as you are today.
Focus On What You Can Control
If you make a promise to yourself, try your best to keep that promise. When you consistently break promises to yourself, you stop trusting yourself. You told yourself that you would go to the gym everyday, then make sure you go. This is something you can control and when you make it to the gym or go on that walk, then you will feel better about yourself. This can apply to anything that you promised yourself, keep your word to yourself just like you would with someone else.
Set Boundaries
Relationships are challenging for a multitude of reasons. You can not control someone else’s behavior or feelings, but you can speak up for yourself and set boundaries with people. Setting boundaries is within your control. You can discuss your boundaries with people and hopefully your friends and family will listen to your boundaries. Speak up for yourself because no one will advocate for you more than you.
We are all a work in progress, but beating yourself up about your current circumstances will not produce growth. Embrace yourself where you are currently. You can continue to make small changes in your life over time. There is no rush. When you give yourself grace, you will feel more motivated to make those small strides in different areas of your life. Growth is a process so enjoy where you while you continue to grow.
Conclusion
No one has been harder on myself than me in all areas of my life. Beating myself up did not lead to progress. It only led to more frustration and even more depression in the long term. When you acknowledge your weaknesses without judgement, set boundaries, and focus on what you can control, self-love will begin to take shape. Loving yourself fully will give you a loving heart towards other people.
My parents divorced not long after I was born. When I was 21 years old, my father and I met for the first time that I can remember. I had a few calls with him, but broke off contact not long after this meeting. I had no idea that I had any negative feelings about my father’s absence since I had a stepfather. After years of therapy and personal development, I now know that my father’s absence had affected me in a myraid of ways. If your father was not present, try processing all of your feelings, mourn the family that you did not have, and seek validation from within.
Process Your Feelings
I did not discover that I had issues with my absent father until very recently. You may be completely unaware that you have any feelings at all towards your father. However, acknowledging how you feel about your absent father is necessary to find peace in the future. Process all of your feelings whether it be anger, frustration, or resentment, feel it and process it through journaling or therapy. Once you process those feelings, then you can move toward healing. https://www.bydominiqueduarte.com/the-best-ways-to-process-your-negative-feelings/
Mourn the Family that You Did Not Have
Most people have warm and fuzzy feelings when discussing family and past memories. You may feel sad that you missed out on memories and milestones throughout your life with your father. Furthermore, connecting with other family members can be difficult too, especially when everyone in your family had a present father in their lives. Processing the family that you did not have may be a lifelong journey.
Seek Validation from Within
When a parent abandons you, it can affect your self worth. You feel like if you were more valuable, then maybe the parent would have been more present. But a parent leaving has nothing to do with you at all and that can be challenging to believe. You make a habit of constantly seeking validation from other people to fulfill you to overcome low self-esteem. You are worthy! Your existence and presence are precious in this world. Try reading Honoring the Self by Nathaniel Branden:https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/646185.Honoring_the_Self
Conclusion
Recently, I spoke to my father for the first time since I was about 21 years old. Honestly, I still have mixed feelings about having a relationship, but I plan to keep in contact with him since life is short and he is getting older. This may not be the solution for everyone who has an absent father. Processing your feelings, mourning the family that you did not have, and seeking validation within yourself will begin your healing and possible forgiveness toward someone who hurt you deeply.
Hope this helps
Dominique Duarte
Do you have Daddy Issues? How have you processed your feelings? Comment below!
Leaving home is a huge decision for most people. Your family, friends, and memories are in your hometown. Leaving home does not have to be a permanent decision. You can leave for college, or accept a job in another city. You could try to vist different cities or countries for your vacations. Leaving your hometown gives you more perspective about the world, gets you out of your comfort zone, and teaches you more about yourself.
Perspective about the World
Refusing to venture out of your hometown can give you a narrow view of the world. The world is so vast and there is so much to see and do. People have completely different ways of living and when you leave home, you can see those differences up close instead of just watching it on television every once in awhile. It gives your more perspective on what is happening in other parts of our country as well as what is going on in the world.
Gets You Out of Your Comfort Zone
Going to a new place can give you a chance to get out of your daily routine. You can meet new people, learn new customs, and try new foods. These new experiences will give you a sense of confidence in yourself. You tried something that you have never done before and met some new friends who are different from you, congrats! Be proud of yourself for opening yourself up to new horizons. Try Reading The Big Leap: https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/6391876
Teaches You More About Yourself
When you go somewhere new, you can learn what you like, and what you do not like. People may think it is selfish to travel alone or move to a new city by yourself, but it can make you become more aware of your own interests. When we stay home all the time, we already know most of the venues and things to do in our area. Traveling or exploring other U.S. states and countries, you can learn how you operate in a new environment.
Conclusion
For the last seven years, I have lived in NYC on my own. There have been challenges, but I have learned about how people communicate differently, tried foods from many different countries, and developed a level of independence that I never thought was possible. You do not have to leave your hometown permanently if it is not for you, but at least try visiting other states or regions to expose yourself to more diversity and culture.
We live in a microwave society, where everything is quick and instant. We used to get the news once a day and now we receive it every minute. In the past, we would drive to get food and now it can be delivered to our door within minutes. This can lead to frustration when things actually take time. The truth is that anything worth having will take time. So how do you wait patiently? You can live in the moment, enjoy the process, and have a flexible timeline.
Live in the Moment
When we become impatient, we are usually thinking ahead about the next thing that we need to do. When you are constantly thinking about what is next all the time, it can create anxiety. For some this can cause you to take no action at all. For others, this obsession can lead to workaholism.
Be present in the moment. Stay focused on the current task. You might begin to enjoy even the most mundane tasks when you are fully present in the moment. Also, give yourself more time in between tasks or places so you do not have to rush all the time.
Time passes very quickly and before you know it the day, the year, or a decade is over. We all have goals and can feel like failures if we have not reached the goal by a certain time period. We become so hyperfocused on the future that we forget to smell the flowers in the moment. The more you enjoy the process of getting to your goal, the less pressure and anxiety you will feel.
Have a Flexible Timeline
When planning your life, using a timeline can be helpful to create smaller tasks to reach your short and long term goals. A timeline should be a guide for you to accomplish things, but it should also be flexible. The more rigid you are with your timeline, the more stressed and defeated you can become.
A timeline can be a tool, but should not discourage you to the point where you completely give up on a goal. If you do not complete things on your personal timeline, give yourself some grace. The most important thing is to keep taking consistent action toward your goals. When you stop stressing about reaching rigid timelines for your goals, it is amazing how doors will begin to open for you.
Conclusion
Waiting patiently is more difficult now than ever, but when you live in the moment, even the most mundane aspects of life can become joyful. Using your personal timeline as a guide helps you take action on your goals. Lastly, enjoying the process: the good, the challenging, and the in-between, is truly living life. When you wait patiently, all parts of the process will teach you something if you are present enough in the moment to learn it.
Millenials and Gen Z’s have differed greatly from previous generations when it comes to abiding by social norms. These generations are getting homes later, getting married later, and having children later or not at all.
When you color outside the lines of normalcy, it can still be difficult, even in 2023 . Most people are still resistant to anything outside of the norm when it comes to family or career. So why do you compromise? You compromise to please relatives and friends, to fit in with societal norms, and to feel accepted by everyone.
Please Relatives & Friends
People who care the most about you may never fully understand you and this can be hurtful at times. When you have a new idea or goal, you want to share it with those closest to you. But this can often be your first mistake. You share the new idea or goal, and your family and friends cast their doubts and fears onto you.
Now, you will begin to stifle your ideas and goals to please your family and friends over time. I have met people over the years who chose their job or career based on what would please their parents view of success. Some people do eventually change careers when they discovered their true callings. But this process took time and of course their family and friends were the most resistant to their life change.
Fit in With Societal Norms
You learn early that the expectation in society is to pick a sensible job or career, go to trade school or university, get married, have 2.5 children, buy a home, and live happily ever after. We learn this at a young age and we even play house as children with this concept in mind. This is a great dream to have and can be a beautiful blessing, however, it is not everyone’s trajectory in life.
You can feel a bit like an outcast in society if you do not follow this conventional path, especially if you are a woman. There are women and men who want nothing more than to be parents, but there are also people who have children out of societal pressure too. Children and marriage are such a gift, but only if both parties truly want children.
Feel Accepted by Everyone
We feel unaccepted when we encounter people who have conventional careers and jobs. We feel it when people are married and have kids and we do not. It is hard because you feel like people are judging you and labeling you as a failure. You want nothing more than for people to just accept your career and life choices for what they are at the moment.
However, one mistake that we continue to make is informing people about our career and life choices. The best practice is to just take action on your goals, and share the results when you feel comfortable to share. The truth is that people will never understand all of your life choices. You have to accept yourself, and all of your choices for what they are at the moment.
Conclusion
I chose a performance career, which comes with constant unsolicited advice from people who have never set foot on a set or stage, which can get annoying. Honestly, if one more person asks me about my retirement plans, I think I am going to scream bloody murder. Yes, retirement is in the back of my mind, but I chose an unconventional career, so it is a bit complicated.
I chose this life and I do not regret it. People will always have something to say no matter what you do, so just do what you are called to do. Your body, mind, and soul will thank you for it! When you accept yourself for who you are, and where you are in life, you will no longer feel the need compromise to the standards of others.
Therapy has been a hot topic within the last few years. It is not just for people with mental illness or people going through a crisis. Therapy is a tool to help you discover your behavior patterns and the why behind your behaviors. It can help you find your inner voice and use it effectively in various situations throughout your everyday life.
Discover you Behavior Patterns
Therapy can teach you about your own behavior. It can show you what habits and behaviors are serving you well and it can reveal behaviors that are not serving you well. Therapy can also teach you to give yourself grace and be patient with yourself.
Growing is a process and change can take years. You will not be able to change behaviors overnight because you are human. Once you learn about your behaviors, you can find tools and begin implementing them slowly throughout your daily life to create lasting change over time.
The Why Behind Your Behavior
We all do things consciously and subconsciously without realizing it. There is a reason for all of our behaviors. People make fun of the fact that therapists ask about your childhood, but your childhood frames so much of your behaviors as an adult.
Whatever coping skills you developed during your first 18 years of life, whether positive or negative, will influence the decisions, choices, and actions that you make presently. Unless you process your past and heal, you will continue to behave in ways that do not serve you or others around you. Therapy gives you space to process why you behave the way that you do.
Find Your Inner Voice
Most of us walk around on auto-pilot, with little to no self-awareness. Therapy taught me to spend more time with myself. People fear being alone, but being alone is necessary for true personal growth. We are so distracted with the world around us that we ignore our internal cues.
Spending time in silence can give you a chance to become more aware of what is going on inside of you. You can tune out all of the other voices that you hear in your head. We are often so focused on what everyone else thinks about us that we have no idea what we think of ourselves or the world around us.
Therapy sessions can be used in the short-term or the long term, but it can benefit you either way. If you need time to find the right therapist, take the time to find the one that fits the best for you. If you cannot afford therapy, try reading personal development books, journaling, or find time to spend alone to process your thoughts and feelings.
Therapy can be the catalyst for overall personal growth, but most of the work you will do is outside of therapy. Healing can be a lifelong process. But if you begin doing the work on yourself now, your eyes will be opened to a whole new world.
After living in NYC, I have learned that people either love it or hate it here. There is rarely ever a neutral take from native New Yorkers or transplants from other states or countries. There are always plenty of jobs, tons of walking for exercise, and you can travel anywhere, anytime of day or night. The down side is New Yorkers are always working, which can lead to loneliness at times, the food is tempting and cancels out the walking, and rent is very high.
Pro: Jobs Are Abundant
Jobs are abundant in NYC! You can do jobs that you never knew existed. You can work at the Waldorf, Disney Store, Yankee Stadium, Jazz at Lincoln Center, Javits Center, Lincoln Center, Barclays Center, Madison Square Garden, Apollo Theatre, Brooklyn Botanical Gardens. The list never ends! You want a job or career, you can find it within a matter of weeks, just use Indeed.com. Whatever your career or job of choice, you can and will find it here.
Since there are some many jobs and the cost of living is high, most people are working mulitple jobs or working overtime at their full-time jobs to sustain a living. Socializing and making friends can be challenging. People are always busy and coordinating schedules is difficult.
Even if you have several friends, you will rarely see them. In order to spend time with friends, you have to be very intentional about making plans with people. You can try joining an organization that interests you to socialize more. You can go out with friends from work, or use meetup.com to find your tribe.
Pro: Built in Excercise Routine: Walking
You will walk all day everyday, run after busses and trains, go up and down several subway steps daily. Even if you have a car, you will be parking extremely far from your home or job. You will need to have comfortable shoes. You will wear down every pair that you own within a matter of weeks.
Walking is my form of daily exercise and if you live here, it becomes a part of you daily routine as well. NYC has nice scenery and can be quiet in most neighborhoods, if you are not in Times Square or certain parts of Manahttan. The sirens can be loud sometimes, but you will hear live music often while walking down the street, which is pretty cool.
Con: FOOD, FOOD, FOOD
This is a bit of a pro/con. There is food on every corner in food trucks, bodegas (local grocery shops), grocery stores, ice cream shops, restaurants with food from all around the world. This a what makes NYC unique, the variety of food choices.
However, overeating and overspending is super easy with so many food choices. The abundance of food may interfere with the built in exercise routine of walking everywhere. Cooking at home will save you money and help your waistline too. So plan your meals accordingly and pack a lunchbox!
Pro: You Don’t Need a Car
NYC is one of the only cities that you can get around 24/7 without having a car. I sold my car almost 7 years ago and I have not driven since. You can get a monthly subway/bus pass for $127 a month and get wherever, whenever you want. You will need to give yourself plenty of travel time to get to your destination because the trains and busses are not very timely. But, you save so much money by not having a car. There will be no more car insurance, car payments, and you will not have to worry about high gas prices anymore.
Con: Affordable Housing is ‘No Bueno’
Get ready to throw the money you saved on not having car to your new NYC apartment. Wooohoo! You have more money to pay the rent now so it all evens out. Manhattan is way more expensive than Brooklyn, Queens and the Bronx, so I never looked for housing in Manhattan. I found affordable housing through Facebook markeptlace and Roomster.com.
You can search for rooms and go visit the apartments to see if you like the room. Bring a friend to be safe if you want. Discuss the deposit, broker’s fee, 1st month’s rent with the landlord, give them the money and move in as soon as possible. Be ready to put quite a bit of money down on an apartment. It is usually around $1500-3000 down, but this is about how much money you would put down on a new car anyway. You win some, you lose some.
Conclusion
High Rent and workaholism scares many people from NYC. However, NYC has so much to offer as well. You win some, you lose some! If you want to buy a home and have a family, this would not be the ideal place to live. However, if you are single or a couple with no children who doesn’t mind a minimialist lifestyle, this is the place for you.
You will not have the luxuries of elevators, washers and dryers in your apartment and large closets or even central heating and air, but you learn how to live with less, which can be a blessing in its’ own way.
Rent is high, but the jobs pay well and the opportunties for jobs are out of this world. You will find foods from around the world and you can walk around your neighborhood or a park and see gorgeous scenery. You can find friends here. Native New Yorkers are the most genuine people that I have ever met. Lastly, NYC is not for everyone and for some it is only good for a season in their life, but NYC is my home and currently I love it here, the pros and cons!
Hope this helps!
Dominique Duarte
What do you Love or Hate about NYC? Comment below!
Reaching your thirties can be quite a miletsone. Easily embraced by some, feared by others, but life changing for everyone. I have learned that comparing yourself to others is counterproductive to personal growth. Health insurance is necessary for life at this point, and you will not know all the answers. I have been in my thirties since November 2020, and this is what I have learned so far!
Comparing Yourself to Others is ‘No Bueno’
Social Media may have made this more of an issue for most of us because we see the pictures, and the posts and we think “why am I the only one who doesn’t have my life together?” I have thought it often and I wonder if there was no social media, would I be thinking so much about what others are doing.
Comparing Yourself to others is ‘no bueno’! It takes away from your unique journey and puts other people’s lives on a pedastal. No one has a perfect life and we all have our own struggles so be okay with your journey in life and do not be attached to a time limit. Everyone has their time to shine and your day will come, just work hard and be patient. YOU GOT THIS!
Health Insurance is Essential at This Point
Health Insurance may have felt more optional in your twenties because most twenty-somethings are generally in great health. Of course there are exceptions to this for sure. However, once you reach your thirties your body is going to change and even the smallest health issues will begin to show up.
Having health insurance will make things easier if you have to go to the doctor for any reason. The insurance cuts the cost of any doctor visit, surgery, or medication. It also keeps you from avoiding the doctor and making the problem worse by not seeking medical help in a timely manner. Taking care of yourself in your thirties is a great time to start taking your health more seriously if you have not already been doing this.
You Will Not Know All the Answers
This can be a hard pill to swallow, especially if you are a perfectionist. You feel as if you must know everything to be successful in life. It is okay to not know everything. Life is about continuing to learn about yourself, other people, and the world around you.
If you believe in having faith, true faith is not always knowing the final outcome of every situation. Plans and goals are important, but continue to be open to changes as well. I used to think that I needed to know everything to prove my worth to others, and still struggle with this at times. Give yourself grace!
Conclusion
Your thirties are here! Congrats and enjoy these years! We all know that our twenties came and went quite quickly so cherish your thirites. When you make sure you have health insurance, know that you will not know all the answers to everything, and stop comparing yourself to other people, you will learn to love and appreciate the amazingly unique journey that you are on and embrace it fully, even on the challenging days.
One of the hardest things about becoming an adult has been the persistent feeling of loneliness. When you are a child, teen, or young adult, making friends is easier throughout primary school and college. However, once you graduate college, it becomes more difficult to make friends in adulthood. People get married, begin careers and jobs and have families, so making time for friends takes more of an effort for sure. Here are some of the things that I have tried to help make and keep friends throughout my time in NYC.
Maintain Old Friendships
Keeping and maintaining friendships is the best place to start. Instead of trying to make a bunch of new friends, try maintaining and rekindling some old friendships. Think about all of the people who have come into your life and figure out who brought positivity into your life when you were in their presence. Ask yourself “Who brings joy?” “Who do I have or could have a frientimacy with?” According to Shasta Nelson, CEO of GirlFriendCircles.com, a frientimacy includes positivity, vulnerability, and consistency.
Write down everyone in your contact list and figure out whether you have these three elements with your current contacts. Consistency was lacking with most of the contacts in my phone, so, I began texting one person a day to check in or send a positive message. Writing “Text 1 person” in the planner has helped me remain consistent with this habit for over a year now. We all get busy, but making time for friends has to be intentional and it starts with you.
Finding a community is more challenging now than it was back in the day for all of us. Social media has made us more disconnected than ever. Finding a community was always the most difficult for me, even in school. I never really had a group of friends until I went to college, and gained some friends as an adult through musical productions over the years.
Try to get involved in a church, or any organzation that interests you, or find co-workers or people who have things in common with you. There are communities out there, but you have to take the first step if you want to socialize more. People will not come visit you in your room at home, so push yourself out of your comfort zone.
Church has given me a community in Memphis and even in NYC. However, it takes time to build intimate connections, even at church, so be patient. Reach out to people and even though not everyone will take the bait, the people who are meant to be in your life will, so just give it time.
Work on Your Personal Growth
Examine yourself and always work toward self-improvement. Yes, accept yourself for who you are at the moment, but also challenge yourself to work on unhealthy coping mechanisms, and work toward healthy communication. This is not easy work, but it is worth it and it will be continuous.
Friendships gives you practice to work on improving your communication skills. Sometimes, you will have tough conversations with friends. In order to have intimacy in a friendship, there has to be transparency by both parties. Therapy is a great way to work on yourself as well as journaling. Therapy is not just for people with big problems, it is for people to become self-aware. You have to be a friend to keep a friend. So learn to be the best you that you can be.
Maintaining old friendships, finding a community, and working on your personal growth can help increase friendship in your life if that is what you desire. Also, try to meet up with a friend once a week or once a month. Consistency does mean something different to everyone so figure out what consistency means to you.
Find out what consistency means to each of your friends as well. You can make friends and keep friends, just put in a little effort. Lastly, sometimes people will not reciprocate, but do not get discouraged. If you reach out to multiple people those you want to be your friend will reach out eventually, just be patient and give people grace.
“The opposite of courage in our society is not cowardice. It is conformity.” -Earl Nightingale
Society loves to tell you which jobs are the best and the worst and why. Social media and the internet post articles all the time about this subject. Your own family and friends will inadvertently tell you their own prejudices about certain jobs. Who do you listen to? To compromise or not to compromise, that is the question?
Jobs & Career Prejudice
We all have a tendency to look down on some jobs and romanticize other jobs. The people who work at the job make the difference, not the job or career itself. For example, if you work in a service job, the assumption is that you must have made a mistake or lost your way. If you are a teacher, people will remember their own educational experience, which leads them to either demonize education, or overromanticize your job role.
Other people view you as almost angelic for doing such a selfless act as teaching young students. In the arts, singers, musicians, artists, dancers and entertainers are viewed as glamourous, talented or pompous and self absorbed, if they are successful. When the success dies down, they are villainized. If they self destruct, it was because they chose such a horrible career choice. Or, if you are trying to make it and have not had instant success, then you are wasting your life. If someone makes it, then they were just lucky, no hard work was involved along the way, it was only their pure talent that got them to the top.
Why Are You Showing Up for Work
Are you doing the job with integrity and honoring your true self? Or are you giving a subpar performance just to get a paycheck? Do you give 100 percent and still feel unfufilled in your work? When we choose to compromise, we give up our true callings to win societal approval and avoid discomfort financially. You can be whatever you want to be in life. If it is legal, of course.
Unfortunately, some people do find ways to do illegal things within legal jobs and careers. Go figure! However, most of us choose a practical career or job in order to have stability. We settle! We settle to fit in, to not stand out, to be accepted by our family, friends, and colleagues. There are no good or bad jobs as long as you do not compromise your intergity and your authentic self while working that job or career.
What Makes a Job or Career?
YOU make a job or career! You make the difference! If you are doing a job that you find fulfilling, then that makes it good no matter what anyone else tells you. Teaching is a beautiful career, especially when someone is passionate about it. Every customer service job is essential to the function of our economy and day to day living.
When a service worker is giving 100 percent, he/she can make a person’s experience memorable. If someone hears a beautiful piece of music or watches a powerful film or play, it can have an impact on his/her life forever. When you show up and give the best of yourself, you will feel happier no matter what job or career you have.
Conclusion
I remember getting so much praise and appreciation from people in general for having a teaching career, which fed my longing for approval abundantly. If I wanted to keep up the people pleasing and the NYC teaching salary and benefits, I could have continued working in education.
I was chasing a check, caving in to familial and societal approval, compromising my integrity regularly, and neglecting my mental health on a daily basis. Your conscious knows when you are conforming, but you ignore it. We all know that there will be hard days at work no matter what job or career you have. But ask yourself: how do you show up to work each day? Are you just trying to get through the day every single day? Are you using any of your natural gifts? Do you know what your gifts are?
Find out as soon as possible if you do not know. Listen to your conscious or God or whatever you believe in. Tune out what the world is telling you. This is hard, but I believe in you. If we would become self-aware and be true to our authentic selves, I truly believe that we would all find contentment and peace within.
